Fool Me Twice Shame On Me
by RchHghr
Summary: Sequel to my other story One Whole Week. When your heart is broken a second time would you give it to someone else? Especially someone without a heart? NTSS
1. Fool me once

This is the sequel to One Whole Week. It will be multi-chaptered. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything; not even an air-conditioner in this obnoxious heat.

The rain outside was not the reason why she was late, but she'd use it or her job as one if she had to. She had Kingsley to enter with because she asked him to. She didn't want to walk in alone and be the 'exact' main spot of attention.

Even with that said, when they entered all eyes went onto them anyways, and to Kingsley who took a swat in the last available place possible. It was a full house tonight so she did what everyone expected of her, and with their awkward stares she went over to Remus and sat on his lap, but because he was the man he was he didn't fuel any flames. As much as she wanted him to reach his arms around her and bring her in closer he wasn't going to do it. His attention remained on Dumbledore.

Dumbledore had a twinkle in his eyes when he eyed the two, but he didn't let anything be revealed. He just continued on with what he was discussing: Dementor attacks and the increased fleet of crime which Hestia, Kingsley and she could account for, which they did, and regarded what was handled, which wasn't much.

"Is there a reason for the hood, Nymphadora?" Dumbledore asked gently. His eyes never held and accusations.

She felt everyone's eyes on her again, in some way or another glimpse her way, or just plainly look at her, so she said, "I'm just cold from the rain, that's all. It's really coming down out there." It was a flat out lie. She was actually hot. The sticky rain and the humid air of the outside and the inside made her very uncomfortable. She wanted to take it off, as well as the long sleeved shirt underneath it, but wouldn't do that until a later time.

He seemed to understand, he always did. He nodded and continued on. He never saw the bad in anyone, and even if he had, he never brought it to light, or accused you of your actions. It was your problem, and to only be handled by you.

She caught a glimpse from Severus Snape. He probably knew what she had been doing. There was no big deal to it, but if the wrong people knew. It made her happy, and that's all she cared for in the matter.

The only thing she cared about, from the man that caught her eye was that he could help her. Somehow, if possible she had to corner him and ask him without anyone noticing.

Even Remus.

When it was time for the werewolf issue she resisted the urge to run out of the room, or just cover her ears. She knew that he was going again. He had brought it up just that past Sunday, and on that day she resisted the urge to demand him not to go. She didn't want conflict with him because she was still tender from the last time, and she just didn't want that again.

He would just be away; their bond would still be the same. It would.

The last topic was of the death eaters, and what Snape had to say. There was increase in activity from within and planned attacks that would be spaced a part. Ever since Bellatrix Lestrange busted out of prison for the second time, there was fear in the lack of guard.

Mrs. Weasley served dinner to those who were staying after everything was discussed. She was a very kind women who had a firm hand at raising all her children, and knew how to control a room of people.

Tonks took a seat next to Remus, having missed Snape. She'd just have to end up writing to him. He always responded to a letter, and the good thing would be that it would be to his eyes only.

"Hey sweetheart." She greeted her mate solemnly.

"What's wrong my love?" he questioned. He took her hand into his under the table. She gave it a small squeeze of affirmation.

She sighed. With her plate in front of her she could only eat one bite. She had to put her fork down. Mrs. Weasley's food was always good, but with a sour stomach she couldn't taste anything, and it felt increasingly harder to swallow what she had in her mouth.

"I don't know, I'm just," she shrugged. She didn't want to spill out anything with so many around, or even tell him what was going on. He wouldn't understand. He'd tell her what she was doing was wrong, and very dangerous, and that it couldn't control; like he would want to control the situation. She couldn't let that happen.

With her free hand she pulled her hood closer around her face. She didn't want him to see anything until they were alone later on.

Remus was distracted by Kingsley like a cue. She was glad for the moment because for some reason or another she started to cry. She didn't know why. She took her hand away from his and put it on his shoulder. When he looked at her she just stood up and whispered, "I need some air, I'll be back in a few minutes."

"You want me to-"

"I'll just be quick." He kissed her hand and she walked off, catching the bloody leg of the umbrella stand on her way out.

She just had to get away, she felt trapped and under pressure. She hated that she had to walk on eggshells and not speak of what she was truly feeling. She didn't know most of the time how to feel and what to do.

She didn't know, so she still held everything inside of her, smoked a cigarette and went back, all walls once again built up and intact.-

First chapter. Tell me what you think.


	2. Shame on you

Later that night she found herself on the couch with Remus, wrapped in the blanket they shared. She lay curled on her side, at his side, her head on his shoulder.

He sat reading about _werewolves,_ a volume given to him by Kingsley who somehow "forgot" to return it to the Hogswart library when he attended years ago. The book proved to be very helpful. A few times she read over his shoulder, but it was very small fonted and the light was dim, so she quit all together and just laid at his side where he took in the reading quite clearly in understanding.

She was afraid to close her eyes and sleep in fear that he would leave that night for his mission. He told her he wouldn't do that unless he told her. He told her he didn't want to hurt her and asked her how she could have hurt herself as he examined the bruises on her face. She didn't show him her neck, back and buttocks in fear that he would question too far. She had lied to him when he asked and told him that it happened at work, making an exaggerated story that fit, even though she wasn't at work at all that day.

If she told him it would only be trouble, and she didn't want to fight. It was hard to decide what and what not to bring up because she feared that he would leave again. She told herself time and time again that he would never do that, but he was leaving again and it poked at the tiny, tender bruise on her heart.

She feared the rejection of him so much it made bringing up any part of conflict to light hard. She had to swallow them back down.

She hated to think she was building up resentment, but her thoughts seemed to always want to dip into deep, dark places.

She moved his arm so it was around her and laid her head on his chest, moving the book away.

"How was your day sweetheart?" she asked quietly. The only noise in the room was of the crackle from embers in the fireplace.

He closed the book, sighed and leaned back for a better position with her. He kissed the top of her head. He said, "I don't know anymore, people are just so stupid. When you tell them something they will take the opposite and defend it until their death."

She pointed up at him and he kissed her finger. "You see what I have to deal with daily," she advised just alone hating the topic work and all its problems. Work was meant to be left there, not brought home like she normally had it.

"Denial is a strong thing."

She believed this phrase strongly because of her own denial she dealt with inside herself all the time.

Things became quiet until he said, "I want to tell you now so I can sleep tonight that I am leaving in the morning."

She sat up abruptly; face to face with him and said, "You're just telling me this now." She demanded. She knew the look on her face to be astonishment, but she was mostly shocked and thoughtless because he just sprung the words on her so quickly.

"I know how you get when it comes to things like this. I didn't want it to dwell."

In a very serious voice, one that wasn't shrill or crazy, and with a straight face hiding everything she said, "I don't want you to go."

He inwinded immediately and said, "I don't have a choice."

"Yes you do, don't go," she said defensively. She kept her balled up fists in her lap, having them under the blanket. She didn't want him to see just how mad he was getting her.

"Who else do we have?"

"Someone else. Someone I don't know and love," she defended fitfully.

He gave her a critical eye, "You know that was very selfish."

"I don't want you to leave me again." She had to turn away after saying it. She picked at a hole in the arm of the couch.

There was a strain of silence. It was so tight it seemed to suffocate.

"You will never let that go," he voiced quietly. "I told you I will never hurt you again. I love you and I will always be with you, but honey-"he pulled her into him by her arms until she was right in his lap. She wouldn't look at him, so he took her chin in his hands to face him and pressed his lips to hers.

She returned the kiss forcefully, her arms going around his neck.

He broke away first. "Honey, you have to understand that I have to do this. I want a happy future with you. If I can help in anyway, then I will."

"But what about me? How will I know that you are safe? Where you are?"

"You just have to believe in me, that's all."

She didn't say anything else because she didn't want to fight. She didn't want to break up with her. She didn't want to lose, she didn't want to be alone. At least that's what she kept telling herself.

"When are you leaving?" she whispered.

"Early in the morning," he responded.

"When I'm sleeping?" she asked. She laid down in his lap, her head on the arm of the couch looking away from him, and keeping her head bend so he couldn't see that she started to tear.

"You know I don't like goodbye." He pulled the blanket over the both of them and kissed her cheek a few times. "I love you Tonks, you know I do, with everything of my heart."

She freighted sleep with her eyes closed because she didn't want him to see that she was crying now. She was hurt already, and broken like last time.

She woke up cold and alone. It poked strongly at the bruise on her heart; the feeling of a strong feeling of betrayal.


	3. Fool me twice

Chapter 3

Hope you enjoy

Déjà vu played a strong part in her life, and the next evening, just like last year she sent him a note telling him that shot got her hurt and she wanted him to fix it. It wasn't taken care of yesterday, so it gave her more of the reason to send the note.

She waited at the same place, her home Grimmauld Place, and once again she was alone. She sat at the table with a half-full bottle of rum, a pack of cigarettes and a book of matches. Her cheek in the palm of her hand, she used her other hand pointer nail to scratch a scratch deeper that was already in the table.

The door in the living room opened, shut and then footsteps led down the long haul, and into the kitchen where Snape entered and took a seat across from her at the table. She gave him a small wave and he just nodded.

A lock of bleach blond hair fell into her face so she pushed it behind her ear.

"You called?" he asked. He looked very tired and his hair was haphazardously shoved back into a ponytail.

She nodded once, a quick head bob. She indicated the bottle of rum on the table and said, "I was going to wait for you to start drinking but someone came by and something came up."

He studied her and she smirked, but that quickly washed away like it didn't belong there.

She hoped he figured out who visited her. It was apparent; the hair had to give it away.

"What am I supposed to drink out of?" he questioned.

"The bottle," she said simply, like it was obvious, "Drink it right out of the bottle," she finished.

He gave her a long, hard look which she returned half-heartedly, then looked down at the table and resumed her scratching.

In a very serious voice, eyes boring into her, she could feel, he said, "You think I would drink alcohol before handling you."

She didn't know which way to take that comment. It could go either way and that made her nervous.

"Possibly," the Metamorphmangus concluded. She couldn't let him completely have the upper hand.

"Some of us aren't like you," he a bid her sarcastically, rolling up his sleeves. He had scratches on his left wrist like he was fighting a cat, or a woman.

"No, those some don't include me. I don't mix my liquor with my work. And besides, this drink was a long time comin' and I was only able to enjoy just a little bit of it." She managed to deepin' the scratch, but with splintered pieces of wood under her nail it cut the skin and bled, showing blood where polished nail paint was missing.

Her stomach grumbled. She pulled the cigarettes to her. "Do you mind if I light up?" she asked, box in hand now, having even a little consideration for her guest.

"Yes," he said dryly, "Don't even consider it." Quickly, he had the box out of her limp grasp. He squished it and with his wand it was gone.

She really wanted that cigarette, but didn't have t he strength to bitch him out about destroying her property.

"Do you do this to my cousin as well?" she questioned.

"Do what exactly?"

"Snatch up his shit like you're the good police?" She gave a wave of her hand for emphasis.

He looked questionably at the comment she threw at him. "Are you entitling that your cousin smokes?"

"Yes. You clearly see him all the time, you should know. You are after all his god-father." What did he think she was, stupid?

"And to take apart your comment about the good police, you obviously know by the tasks we did last year that I am nowhere near being a good police."

She nodded meekly. Her heart still didn't work right. She did it though, for the non-greater good, unfortunately.

"Well what do you want me to fix this time?" He sat very posh and erect as if his duty of professor never left him.

"You make it sound like I'm a sink or something, she said getting up and going over to his side of the table. "Move down," she ushered and he scooted down to make room for her to sit. She took a seat sideways on the bench and pulled up the purple hood of the hooded sweatshirt, and lifted the back exposing the bottom half of her back which was a second day mess and crossed her legs.

He touched the lower of her back to feel for bruises, but every time he did so he earned hisses of pain from her.

Like the last time he conjured up the supplies and cleaned it up while she milled in her world of pain, doubt and confusion.

When he started to put the calming balm on she reached out blindly to take the bottle, but he moved it away.

"You said that was for me."

"We can share," she said lamely.

"Yea, we are. You took the first half, now the other half is for me."

"I lied." She pulled the hood more forward. She felt the bandages, then him pull the piece of clothing back down.

She didn't move. She didn't look at him, and said, "I wasn't going to tell you this, but you probably already know, but the injuries are because my cousin defended me. Now I know it's a shocker, but his father was trying to hurt me. Draco stepped in and took the last of it. He shoved me into a cabinet, you know the ones with plates, that's when-"

"That's your only injury?" he asked apparently bored with her story.

"No, but I'm not going to show you my bum; thought about not showing you my whole back, but I guess it's now fine. All self respect is already gone out the window." Still faced away from him she lifted her hoody completely over her head to hold it in her lap. She was left in her bra, a nice one at least- she was happy at that.

If it was possible she could feel his eyes on her back, tracing the scratches and circling the bruises. She could feel his desire to touch, and maybe his touch would feel calming. He did have a healing touch.

"You can touch all you want, but please be gentle," she said lowly. She didn't know what her back looked like, and didn't want to know either. It must've been bad by his reaction. She didn't doubt her families' dark magic and it's hidden, dark qualities.

She could feel a chill even though it was summer and warm inside.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

She nodded. "Just do it, I don't care."

Snape didn't say anything, but a few seconds later she felt his fingers lightly trace a scratch that extended from her shoulder blade to the proximity of her extremity of her boob. He didn't take it that far.

He touched a deep bruise which made her jump in her skin from the pressure, and put her face in her hands because it brought a blind spot of emotion into light.

But his touch felt warm. She closed her eyes enjoying his soft touch, with his smooth fingers. It was like he knew what he was doing and had no problem figuring out just how to relax her.

He unsnapped her bra strap surprising her. Luckily for her she was leaning forward and the cups were still on her breast. She didn't feel completely exposed.

He ran his hands up and down her back emitting a pleasurable moan from her. He kissed a particularly painful injury and her eyes opened in her hands. Her heart was telling her things it shouldn't be thinking. She did not expect this from him, and she didn't expect the emotions from herself.

There was a sad truth- she enjoyed it.

She scooted back a little into him. She enjoyed the attention. Because of an on again, off again depression she felt numb. She needed attention. She didn't want it to be him, but he was there.

He brought her closer with an arm around her waist. She couldn't touch his arm because if she moved, her bra would move and she just couldn't do that.

He moved her hair with one hand and nuzzled her neck before giving her a light kiss which gave a nice pleasant feeling, but it also made her panic. She hitched a breath. Please don't," she begged voice so soft she couldn't decipher if she actually heard herself say it or not. She had complete chills and goose bumps.

"I'm not doing anything you don't want me to do." He lightly pushed her away and got his supplies again and soon enough he was putting the calming balm on her making her feel light and woozy; like a nap on a spring day.

"You were about to get carried away. I know you would have." She frenzied in her panic trying to find a balance inside of her.

"You do not know me. I'm not one to take advantage of the down and out." He reached around her, closed off position and grabbed for her hoody. She snatched it from him while holding her bra to her. "I'm capable of taking care of that, just do up my bra together."

At any other time, what just came out of her mouth to another man would sound so wrong.

He didn't respond, but did up her bra strap and she put her hoody back on and put her hood up still sitting hunched over.

He faced the table and sighed taking the bottle and taking a sip. He put the bottle down with a soft thud.

"I heard that Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger are Head Boy and Head Girl this year. You must be really curious as to how this will work out." She sat up and faced the table as well. She changed her hair and pulled her hood down to show that her hair was short and lavender, her favorite.

"It's something to look forward to. It should make this upcoming year a task."

Tonks forced a chuckle. "A task?" she mocked, "You make it sound like force. I think she can change him, make him a better person." She picked nail polish off her nails and added under her breath, "or they'll kill each other."

"That's something to bet on," he commented. It would have made her laugh, but she just couldn't get it out. She just couldn't feel happy.

"I want to go to sleep now; can you stay with me until I do so? If you don't want to you don't have to."

"Yes. Besides, it's only six-thirty in the evening."

She shrugged. She got up from the table and took the bottle before he could and took a sip. "Sorry," she said in a dead voice. She held it out for him and he took it from her and downed the rest so she didn't have any more.

She wondered into the living room where she grabbed the throw blanket off the floor and sat on the couch. He came in and sat down, and she laid her head on his leg and curled up covering herself in the blanket. She squeezed her eyes shut tight.

He put a hand through her hair caressing it. She felt him separate her bangs from the rest of her hair.

She didn't have to say anything and he didn't even need to feel obliged to say anything. It was perfect for her and she hoped durable for him.

He massaged her head which made her feel tired and nice. She could feel herself drifting off. She cuddled right into him.

"Sorry for being like this, sorry."

Still half asleep and very relaxed Tonks stretched her arms over her head feeling something very soft. She moved her hand up.

"You keep doing moving that hand up and I won't be able to control my actions this time."

She opened her eyes and looked up. Snape looked down at her with heavily bagged eyes. She was lying with her head on his leg, her legs cramped under; she stretched them forward letting them hang off the couch. She closed her eyes so comfortable, she didn't want to move, but he might want to leave. She unfortunately sat up.

"Sorry, I slept on you so long."

"No problem. You can lay back down now."

"I don't want to burden to you anymore." She said. She felt a little stuffy so she pulled down her hood.

"No trouble," he said.

She lay back down and closed her eyes. "Please don't snore."

"As an order for you too. Might you want to go to bed?"

She shook her head, eyes shut tight. She was not going to cry.

"You'd rather be asleep on the couch?" he questioned.

"Yes." She swallowed her emotions.

"Alright." He moved around for more comfort and found a comfortable spot.

She found her's and fell back asleep again with one stray tear leaking down.


	4. Shame on me

Chapter 4

She didn't know why she asked him to stay, but was glad that he was gone before she awoke with the morning sun.

She didn't know why she felt guilty. She didn't do anything, but somehow she felt like she betrayed Remus. She hated how she needed someone there just to fall asleep to. So it all just made her feel so weak and just guilty, like it was written on her forehead.

She pushed away all of her emotions and got ready for work.

At work she spotted Kingsley so she caught up with him.

"Hey sunshine," she greeted as brightly as she could.

"You're in quite the mood today," he commented.

She shrugged; glad she was playing the part against her inner turmoil. She said, "It's Friday, I just can't wait until work let's out to enjoy my weekend."

"You won't enjoy today," he said out of the side of his mouth.

"Like I enjoy most of my days here anyways, why not?" she asked.

"There will be an afternoon meeting."

"Maybe we won't be back in time." She would make the time drag out; either way, there or not, the time would drag out.

He gave her a look.

She felt down-tottered; upset and pissed at the same time. She felt she knew where this was going. Her.

"Why the meeting?" she asked. She took a seat on his desk while he sat in his chair.

He looked around then leaned in. "A mole."

"I'm the number one suspect, aren't I?" She knew she had angry tears in her eyes so she wiped them away quickly.

"That's the rumor." He looked so tired. He rubbed his eyes.

She looked up to wipe under her eyes. "This is all like last summer, every single last bit."

He looked at her for complete detail.

"Remus is gone again, and now I'm public enemy number one again. Same scenario as last year, all the way down."

He looked out of place to answer that.

"He said he'd be back, but it's- shit! I'm going to cry." She kept wiping her eyes.

He still looked awkward, but put a hand on her knee. "You know he loves you."

She shrugged her shoulders. "I better get to my desk and take care of everything be-"she stopped from the look on his face.

"Who's leader of the meeting?"

"Yours truly," he indicated himself gently.

"At least one thing will go right." She cleared her nose and eyes.

He kissed her cheek and she smiled. "At least someone loves me." She took some candies off his desk and left.

After a long day she was not happy in no way at all. She found herself in the Leaky Cauldron drownin' her sorrows with drinks; quite a few of them.

Snape entered the place and they give each other that look. She smiled at him and waved him over this time, unlike the last time where she just gave him an indication. And liked the last time she was very drunk.

He came over and sat across from her, and he didn't even look awkward this time.

"This is a complete déjà vu from last summer, don't you think?" she asked running her pinky finger around the rim of her glass. She liked her nails as the pink they were.

He gave her a hard stare then looked around casually before returning his gaze back to her.

She shrugged. "You want a drink?" she offered.

"I'm capable of ordering for myself," he spoke calmly, evenly.

"My treat," she offered. She called the guy over, unsure if she was slurring or not and ordered him a fire whisky which was placed in front of him.

"I didn't even answer," he minded her.

"You took too long; you know my attention span is next to zero."

"I can tell."

She traced her finger around the rim again before she sipped. Remembering she was supposed to break spirits when a new drink arrive, and, or a new person came she had to make a cheer.

"Sorry I forgot, "She held up her glass, "To you and déjà vu."

He clinked his glass to her's and took a sip. "Are you drunk?" he questioned.

She shrugged. "I don't know, but since you are here I have the green light to do so."

"You do? Why is that?" he wondered.

"Because," she looked around, then back to him. "If I'm drunk you can carry me out of here without me losing my dignity."

"This idea came to you how?" he asked. He leaned closer across the table.

"Because I owe you and this is your opportunity to gain a double insight."

"That would be the barter of the bargain, though I'm not guaranteed your safety this time. When you fall flat on your face I am not obliged to pick you up off the floor and put you on the couch."

"That's not nice. I think you would pick me up off the floor."

"Once again, what insight are you seeing?"

She finished her drink thinking about it. "I'm having déjà vu. Maybe everything will all work out again this time and we all can live happily ever after." She didn't feel as happy as she tried to sound. She ordered herself another drink.

"Hm?" He leaned back and asked, "Will I have to wait for the morning paper delivery or are you going to entertain me with the latest happenings surrounding yourself?"

She tried to think of something witty to say, but she couldn't with the drinks inside of her. She just shrugged and said, "I'll be surprised myself."

He went to say something, but she found her voice, and train of thought; though what trail in the recesses in her head, and said, "Honestly, there is so much going on in the world and these people don't have any clue on how to act, you know? They get nervous when the enemy moves in and they can't allocate the source. They need something and they pin-point myself with the 'she's suspicious', or 'Oh, it could have been her, she can take the form of anything,' blah, blah, blah.

She didn't realize she was babbling so she continued on, "I mean, come on now, I can't cause a scene. I mean I can but not like that. I have no grace of evil. I mean, you'd know it was me, I'd blow the whole operation and panic or something."

"You'd be surprised," he said, a hint of relief in his eyes because she stopped talking. "

"Whoa." She looked doe-eyed at him, really staring at him like she was dearly trying to figure out something.

He gave her a questioning look.

"That is the second compliment you ever gave me."

He looked at her phish fully, like he didn't hear or see what she saw.

"Nah, I'm serious. I'm also seriously drunk." She raised her glass up but he put a hand on the top of the rim and brought it down.

"Are you sure you want to drink the rest of that?" he asked.

"Yeah I do," she answered back. She moved his hand with ease and took a sip.

He didn't touch the rest of his. In fact he moved it out of the way.

"Let me ask you something," he said and continued on without her answer and said, "Why are you relying on me? Shouldn't you be home with your mate?"

She did not say anything. She looked into the debt of her drink and downed the whole thing quickly slamming the glass on the table and wiping her mouth with her sleeve.

"I am obliged to do whatever I want to do without consulting to anyone or any situation. Why are you prying?"

"You simply entertain me," he said comfortable in his chair, relaxed. He was enjoying himself at the expense of just how foolish she was acting.

"Glad I amuse you, like when, yeah," she slurred.

He arched a brow.

"I don't know what I just said," she answered truthfully. Thoughts escaped her. She felt quite sad, which made her question what she was doing. She was making so many mistakes, but couldn't find the words aloud to say anything so she remained closed.

He watched her with that studying eye. She hated that he studied her like he knew everything about her, even without occlumency.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver sickle and placed it on the table and stood up.

"Don't leave me," she said and that made him slowly back track.

She couldn't stand to be alone. She didn't want to go home to an empty house, didn't want to have to sleep in a 'cold' bed where there was nobody next to her.

"You know," she added quickly, "Until I'm ready to leave. You're supposed to pick me up off the floor."

He looked down at her then took his seat again.

"Thank you," she whispered. She put her chin on her palm and the other on her upper arm and sat in silence, afraid of what her next action would be.


	5. Will I get Wiser?

Chapter 5

This is a really short chapter, but I hope you enjoy. Thanks.

Tonks woke up with a splitting headache straight through her eyes and brain. She sat up with her face in her hands to get her head to stop spinning and everything to even out, or to just calm down. Everything in her system threatened to come back up the way it went down.

But that wasn't the worse; she realized that at that point that she was not in her bed. She moved her hands away from her face and saw that she was in bed with Severus Snape. She looked down at herself and saw that she was still clothed, but her pull over hoody was on the floor.

"If we had sex you'd be completely naked and deeply satisfied," Severus Snape said sitting up as well. He was bed ragged.

"I wouldn't do that. I do have a boyfriend you know?" She tried to save herself, to find some dignity, but it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere.

"And yet you lay in bed with me." He rubbed his eyes and pushed his hair back. He tried to wake himself up and was having an easier time at it than she was. She couldn't respond to his statement. She realized that she betrayed Remus even though she didn't do anything. She was there, next to him.

She wiped tears from her eyes and laid back down stuffing her face into the pillow, pulling the blanket completely over her. It was such a disaster.

"Aren't you supposed to leave?" he questioned.

She felt herself at a loss for anything so she didn't move, and she didn't say anything. He got up and left her there in the mess she made.

She woke up again a while later and left to go home and crawl onto the couch and hide in blankets there. She was so hungry but couldn't move; couldn't do anything. She remembered bits of what happened last night. She sat there for a while until she was almost asleep and he woke her. But even before that she remembered she made a fool of herself and told him she couldn't be alone, and that he just couldn't leave her that way.

He didn't, and while she couldn't remember getting to the house on Spinner's End she knew that she didn't have sex.

She hated that she needed to rely on him again because she was broken hearted in the aspects of her love life and work. But what was weird was how he always knew when to come to her rescue and he was so patient. He sat there while she suffered in her misery- him never complaining once. He made her forget, but that was also the alcohol. When she drank she forgot about Remus and what he did to her, twice. At the times she was drunk she couldn't remember what was making her sad. It was her way to escape thoughts of him, and how much she missed him and how things went to hell when he wasn't around and lastly how she lost her will to fight.

She couldn't fight so she had Severus Snape to fight for her.


	6. Can I Learn to be Me?

Chapter 6

The early evening heat was relentless. Even with the shades pulled down to their capacity she could feel the heat from the sun push around the sides and leak into the room. It made her dry mouth feel dryer than it already was. She needed water, or something. Anything.

She pushed everything that was on the bed off and pulled her socks off. She pulled the legs to her pants up to past her knees and rolled the top a little past her hip bones. With the sleeves of her t-shirt already up she rolled the bottom up and twisted a knot to hold it in place. She pulled her sweaty self out of bed, left the room and went downstairs. Through the old, dirty hot house she went until she entered the kitchen making the conversation of the two men stop and take in her appearance. The two turned away as well as and adjusted herself feeling really stupid and bashful. She heard the voices before entering the room and couldn't understand why she didn't do it before entering.

When she finished she greeted the older of the two. "Professor Dumbledore, how are you sir?"

"I am great, and how are you dear?" he smiled, a brightness about him that always made her want to smile and be in his presence, made her do just that, and she said, "Ah, hit and miss days. Some are good and some aren't."

"Yes, yes I can relate but you still brighten a room whenever you walk in."

Before she could say something to totally contradict what he said, she switched direction and instead said, "I was about to have a drink, do you want to join me?"

"That would be nice right about now, thank you dear."

She made herself one and one for him. She handed him the glass and he held it up to her. "To you Nymphadora, like I said, you always brighten a room with your happiness."

She clinked her glass to his and downed it. The older man ended conversation with Severus Snape and they said good-bye before he thanked her for his drink and left, so it just remained the two of them.

She took a seat on the table rolling the glass in her hands knowing full well that she could drop it at any moment, but didn't care.

"How much did you drink today?" he questioned standing above her,

She shrugged looking at the hole in her pants. She remembered how she had gotten it too. She was visiting Molly and messing with her son's rough-housing. Her mate from school, visiting from Romania, Charlie flipped her onto the couch where their mother's knitting project was and she landed on a knitting needle. Luckily for her it only went through her pants and not through her thigh.

Snape took her chin in his hand and lifted her face to him and checked out her eyes then let go.

"You know he won't say anything but I will. You are a mess. You're appearance is pathetic. You're walking down the same road you did last year, and I thought that by now you'd be smarter than that?"

She dropped the glass and it cracked a bed of cracks, but did not break. No one made a move to pick it up.

"Anything else?" she asked.

He walked away from her and made busy with filling a glass with water. She pulled the legs of her pants back up.

He took a seat in the chair at the end and she turned and faced him slouching forward she crossed her legs.

"Your face healed fine, how is your back?"

She nodded.

He took a sip. "I see that you're sleeping upstairs," he said dryly.

"This is my house," by the look on his face she added, "You know what I mean. Anyways, I'll sleep wherever I want to sleep."

"Four days…"

"Shut up! It's clearly not the same," she said in his face.

He wasn't fazed.

"Clearly it is, and we both know how today is going to end," he said looking dead into her eyes knowing the truth and lie, and she hated how he did.

"Do you have a problem with that?" she all but whispered, trying her hardest in only that not to cry, or even pout a lip, but it was conceived from the last time it happened. Memories on her brain pushed those emotions to the forefront.

"I don't, but it's very apparent that the guilt and pressure build on you, and if you decide to take presence in my bed anymore I will tell you now that I might not be able to control my actions."

She didn't break eye contact; she could see that he was only serious. He was a man after all and she imprudently invited herself into his bed, intentions not there, but clearly surfacing for the both of them.

But she didn't want to act on them, at least she hoped not. She said, "I won't be tempting anyone. I know not to start something that I can't finish. I haven't started anything."

"You don't realize that you have started a long time ago." He set the glass down.

She didn't know why she could feel the pounding of her heart in her chest and her why her hands started to shake. She put them together in her hap and kept herself calm and collected. She didn't know why her heart was going active. She had no control of it but her brain was alienated because she wasn't feeling that way at all.

"I haven't," she said happy that her voice was straight, "I am in realization about myself, no matter what the hell is going on in my life." She toyed with his glass now.

"Then why have you turned to me?" he questioned.

She hated that he asked. He knew the answer but yet he wanted to hear it out loud. She didn't want to say it, it hurt too much. Also, she knew that if when you said something out loud then that meant it was true.

She shrugged her shoulders contemplating if the water at the bottom of the glass would stay cohesive in spot or run off through the crack in the table if she was to dump it on the table.

"Alright, if I'm talking to myself," he stood up but she reached out and grabbed his wrist, catching herself before she fell off the table.

"What is it Nymphadora?" he questioned. He flicked his wrist to loosen her grip and held her hand to his liking, her response to him was her grip to go weak because he was supporting her by his hand in hers.

"No questions, please," she begged, her voice down, her gaze in the glass, her hair hanging in her face. "I just can't answer any. I can't. Please don't ask me."

"Very well. It's written all over your face." He let her hand go and she hopped down from the table avoiding the broken glass. She took his hand, but he stopped her.

"I will not be staying here tonight. If you wish to be in my company you'll stay with me at my home."

She nodded. She straightened herself out and went upstairs and out her socks back on and her beat up sneakers. Even though it was hot she put a hooded sweatshirt on and went back to where he was standing and they went outside and he quickly apparated them straight into the living room.

She saw that it was the same as previous times of last year. It was still cold and very dim; not having noticed the night before.

"I'm going to sleep now."

He looked at her with interest, but just nodded. "Goodnight Nymphadora."

She saw the time was a little before seven and as she laid there on the couch she wondered why he didn't add his two sense in about why she was sleeping at such an early hour?

Tonks woke up and it was dark outside. The clock said ten or eleven. It was hard to see in the dark.

Like last time it was very dark and quiet, not even a pipe made a noise. She didn't even know if he was home or not. She had to use the bathroom so she crept up the stairs quietly, used the bathroom and went back downstairs where she sat down. The alcohol that ran through her was gone and she was back to being down and out. She didn't want that so she went into the kitchen and rummaged in the cabinets until she found whisky. She grabbed a tumbler and filled it halfway and sat at the kitchen table. She really didn't want to drink it but then she would think about him and feel her abandonment issues all over again.

She drank, gulp after gulp until she was down and left with the feeling of burning inside out of her stomach and head throbbing and hurting very much. She held her face in her arms until it subsided and she couldn't feel anything at all, just her airiness and numb feelings. She closed her eyes to ease the dizziness, and even then she could and ended up on the floor.

Finally able to lean herself against the table leg she leaned her head against it. With everything dark she laughed at the concept of even moving. Something might crawl out of somewhere and get her. She was terrified of the thought of that.

But it was funny. She chuckled to herself. She couldn't stay on the floor so she got up and found her way upstairs into the spare room and crashed down onto the bed without moving the covers. She was so out of her mind and hungry that her body couldn't take it anymore so she passed out.

The next morning she woke up a lot like the other day, hungover. She knew where she was and that she was late for work, and when she managed to get herself there she felt the hunger pains of drinking and not eating for two days. She wanted nothing more than to just crawl into a bed and sleep the days away until everything was okay; if that ever happened.

Since not showing up on time she didn't see Kingsley so she went to his desk but he was not there. He was probably doing something that mattered. No matter, she took some candies out of their place and went to her desk where there were three additions to the paper with today's issue ontop with accusations of he being a Death Eater informant.

That's a new one, she mused.

Someone approached her desk at a quick pace, someone she never saw before. They looked real serious and strong.

"Nymphadora Tonks?" he questioned.

She refrained from saying something like, 'In the flesh' and just nodded.

"You are being served to show up in court on the accusation placed on you for the-"

"And they are…?" she unwrapped one of the candies and popped it into her mouth.

"Conspiracy."

"Hm? That doesn't seem fair," she remained calm, and even a bit sarcastic while she said, "There's no proof. But look, if I had time I wouldn't waste it on something so primeval."

"I'm just telling you miss," and he walked away. He didn't even say a date or time. She wondered if it was real, or an actual conspiracy against her. She knew a lot of people didn't like her, but to do something like this? She took it with a grain of salt because she didn't believe anything now a day with people blaming her for everything. She wouldn't let it get to her head. She had enough to deal with as it was without complicating her life further.

If it was real anyways wouldn't her Superior or Senior Auror be the one to tell her? Something; everything was fishy and just not adding up.

She ate another piece of candy and decided from that moment on that she wasn't going to do anything productive.

At lunch hour she found Kingsley sitting with Arthur Weasley so she went to join them.

"Wotcher Arthur, Kingsley," she smiled brightly. They both looked at her straight faced. So they had been reading the paper, as with everyone else and believing that.

She thought about defending herself to everyone, but didn't care anymore. Those who knew her should've knew the truth and not the words written in black and white.

She didn't have the fight in her and knew that she could just crack at any moment.

"Okay," she abided. Stifled and hating the silence of their looks she stood up. "I'll see you guys late." Before Tonks could see a response from either of them she walked away and found somewhere by herself to eat a much ado meal.

After break with an extra twenty minutes she decided to give herself she arrived back at her desk and found a note that said, in Kingsley very cursive script, _Tonight._

She got rid of that, along with the newspapers and caught Kingsley eye and shook her head. He gave her an appointed look. She mouthed, "Not attending."

She didn't wait for his answer. She put her chin on the palm of her hand and stared out the window. It was so beautiful outs there, and yet she was stuck at a desk feeling bad for herself.


	7. Be better than me?

Chapter 7

When Snape apparated in and saw her she was not surprised. She was glad that he was not surprised because then he would get onto a verbal kick that she knew that she would not be able to win.

She sat on the couch reading her favorite book of last year, but set it in her lap when she saw him. "I guess I'm a welcomed guess now, huh?" she questioned frankly because there was no trouble in getting in, and knowing him she expected to run into a lot of trouble all by herself.

"I see nothing wrong with that," he said hauling the sack he always carried up and disappearing upstairs.

She guessed that was a compliment, only she was never sure with him because it was so rare; hardly ever.

He came back downstairs and stood at the end of the couch. "Aren't you going to leave early? I know your knack is to show up late, but I thought tonight would be special?"

He was toying with her and she hated how as much as she tried she couldn't help it from getting under her skin. She said, "I'm not going anywhere." She swallowed the lump in her throat and continued, "I don't need to justify myself to something I have no idea to what is going on." She turned the page of the book in her lap and read one sentence. It did not register so she looked back up at him. If he could have smiled, or showed any way of pleasantries besides his presents he would have the biggest smirk on his face and laugh at her, not with her. He let that presence glow, she thought to her amusement when he said, "You must have gone and pissed off so many people."

She pulled back a little, to hide under her lashes and said, "I like to keep my enemies close."

"Too close," he was too quick to answer back.

"Well whatever I need to do." She closed the book and set it on the coffee table. She couldn't get any reading done with him standing there.

"Just remember to keep your shovel close." Then he was gone and she was left with the knowing that he was trying to reign her control before she did something she was going to regret. But all the same he was confusing his actions, sometimes confining them and sometimes not—confusing the actions her actions of whether he ws going to push them out too far. Although already said to her that he would take action if she kept coming in closer.

She didn't know what his limit was, but knew that she couldn't press that button. That would be a step beyond return, and something she wouldn't know how to handle at all. It would just kill her.

She laid down hanging halfway off the couch and looked at the floor. When did her life mean lying around and doing nothing?

There was only one good thing, one good someone that made her happy, but it was a bound secret. Her cousin. She made peace with him, but if anyone else was to know then there would be much too much drama to deal with in life and most importantly their family.

The next morning she walked into work on time for a change and as always, even though there was a tension between the two, she caught up to Kingsley and walked side by side with him.

"Wotcher Kingsley," she smiled trying to keep the weakness from her voice. She wasn't feeling the happiness that she was feeling last week.

"Good morning," he said no hint of his cold self from yesterday's lunch apparent. Maybe it was her imagination, but she doubted its wild creation half the time anyways.

"What's going on?" she asked cautiously. She took her customary seat on the top of his desk while he sat in his chair.

"Where were you yesterday and this morning?" he asked seriously, under a critical eye, like she was under pressure.

She didn't like that. He should know her. He was her superior, he was there since day one, and not that many days ago he was comforting her about the whole thing and now, he was accusing her.

"You know Kingsley," she accused, "Why are you doing this?"

"Where were you?" he asked again.

She didn't say anything, just looked at him, not answering, just letting her face say it all.

He sat there too, and she hated that he wasn't going to realize that he was wrong. He was acting like he was on the other side, the one against her and he wasn't thinking for himself.

"Then why can't you tell me where you were?"

She fiddled with her hands in her lap and said, "I'd think you'd have trust in me." She felt clearly unhappy and very much conceived of a broken heart.

"I do, but I need to know where you were."

She thought of something quickly and said desperately, "I was drowning my sorrows in a broken heart." She played at it, using her real broken heartedness to say, "You know what's been happening. I don't do anything. I go to work and then I go home to sleep."

"You were not home last night."

"I did not intend to go anyways. I told you that. I went to my mom and dad's-"

He nudged her and indicated a certain few who were heading down the long hall. She got off the desk and walked away before she was on authorized notice, and it would affect Kingsley too. She did it every day but at a time like this, constant contact would give them a reason to bother Kingsley. She didn't want to give them any reason to question Kingsley because he didn't do anything wrong.

But beside the point, everyone knew that they were friends. They didn't know that was her best friend. Under any other circumstance it would be normal. She really wished for that normal now.

Tonks really wanted to talk to him later after work when she was at home and not under suspicious eyes. She wrote him a note and left it on his desk later when he had stepped out: Home. Seven-thirty.

Tonks didn't eat lunch or even take a break. She worked through everything and finished all her paper work, and left early. She didn't see Kingsley and felt that that was a good thing.

She brought some food and went home to see that there was a letter addressed to her on the kitchen table. She opened it to see that it was the perfect script of her "love" Remus Lupin.

Tonks-

I think about you every second that I am gone. I miss you so much, and want to be sleeping curled up with you pressed tight to me to fight the long nights. I miss hearing your voice and miss seeing your quirks. I will complete my task as quickly as possible so I can be with you my love.

Love you from the bottom of my heart,

Remus

She smiled through her tears and wiped her nose. She felt like a million things were lifted off her shoulders. She felt that she could handle anything now that she felt Remus's love.

She read the note again and then put it away. She had to talk to Kingsley tonight and without a bad mood either.

She awoke off the couch, her cheek pressed to a page in the book to find Kingsley sitting down on the end. He looked really exhausted. She lifted her feet then put them on his lap and stretched.

"It's well after nine," she informed pointing at her wrist as if she had a watch on. She added, "I was waiting."

He put a huge hand on her feet to keep her from fidgeting and making him nauseous. He yawned. "Sorry. You won't believe what is happening."

"I never know what is happening anymore. I'm much shielded. You should know that, hence why I joined the Order in the first place." She pouted her lips like a child who didn't get their way.

"That was just words for what I'm going to tell you-"

"Will it get me off the hook?" she cut in.

He nodded solemnly.

She could read so much into that, but didn't see any apology from him at all. Maybe it was coming later. She sat up a little and said, "Try me."

"First, you will have your grace of once again another apology, and the harassment will be off your back. Well, at least for a while anyways. I know how everything always comes back to you."

She kicked him, but also had to agree.

"Great, because I don't even know what is going on. It's pathetic that I don't even know what I'm, or was accused of, and I am an Auror and the one accused."

He looked at her as if she was both confused and unimaginable. He questioned, "You defended yourself to the death over something you didn't know anything about?"

"I didn't. I defended myself that I was right and that reason only." She smiled brightly showing her confidence and insatiability to be light hearted and contrarily to her earlier mood which had completely vanished.

"Well you did a job of it," he agreed with the nod of his head.

"I know. Tell me what happened, I want to know everything I'm not allowed access to, everything and yesterday's meeting as well. I missed all of you yesterday."

"We missed you too, especially Mad-Eye. We were all looking forward to placing you in the interrogation seat."

She kicked him again.

He told her everything that was going on and yesterday's meeting which was very contrary with everyone's belief. She was glad that she wasn't there. As much as she loved everyone she didn't value their opinion of her.

The topic was her, of course and where she was in location, hoping that it would not have anything to do with evidence that wasn't her. And she had to wonder if everyone suspected her for some period of time, why hadn't they told her anything?

But with Kingsley getting an anonymous tip he was able to get the appropriate people to take action and as they spoke they were handling it so she now had nothing to worry about. It didn't even bother her about who was impersonating her and what they were actually doing. For the first time in days she felt she was on the right path in the right direction.

But she enlightened her friend. She said, "Wow, I feel special. Someone worked so hard just to be me. I hope they did a good job."

He squeezed her toes back causing her to squeal in surprise. She tried to kick him but just ended up laughing with him; well what he called a laugh anyways.

When the laughing died down he said, "Leave it to you to find something funny about your bad situation."

"Well even though I had given up I felt like I was going to go into depression again, and I didn't want to go there again so I was thinking that whatever happened, happened. I really didn't care. It happened before, it happened again, and it will probably happen in the future, you know?"

"You should never give up." He moved her feet so he could stand up, "You're better than that. When everything is coming toward you just be ready to fight."

"Thanks for the pep talk. I think it's probably the same one you gave me four years ago," she messed with him earning a smile and the shake of his head because she was right; especially because it was at the time when she was just starting and he did not want to be the one "babysitting" the trainees; especially the disaster that was her.

Drop me a review and let me know what you think so far.


	8. Trails Down the Wrong Path

Chapter 8

When Kingsley was gone she was too and apparated to Snape's home where she was 'welcomed-now.' She didn't know if that was a good thing or not, but knew that he had many shields of protection on his home like they were all out to get him.

Maybe they were?

He sat at the kitchen table eating.

"Honey, I'm home," she spanned out in her best sarcastic re-enactment of her dad. She took a seat across from him, leaned back in it with one foot on the chair and her arms around her knee. She rested her chin on it and watched him eat.

He looked up at her and raised a brow. "What?" he questioned.

"I didn't say anything," she said with the shake of her head.

"You are staring and why are you here?"

"I don't mean anything by my staring and I am here because you know I don't like sleeping alone at night." Even when she said it she knew it sounded cheap, and not how she wanted to word it at all.

He didn't say anything to that, so she added looking at the hole in her jeans, "It has to do with the complex of being wanted."

He narrowed his eyes and said, "What would give you the idea that I wanted you?"

She shook her head once, not wavering, and said, "It's not that you want me, more like I want you." She looked at him cautiously, but he just continued to eat.

"Well," she demanded.

He looked up at her. "If you're going to dig that hole I won't stop you. I'll simply go along just to ensure that Remus Lupin suffers."

Remus won't suffer, she told herself, he'll be back soon and then we'll be together and live happily ever after.

It didn't sound like the book she wanted, but she told herself it because she knew it'd be true and nothing will happen that could change it. Severus Snape was just someone who would be there until Remus was back to take his rightful place.

"There will be none of that." She smiled meekly to not show what could become a dilemma boiling under her skin. She knew he'd be there for her as long as she needed him to be. But, she also kept in mind the dilemma boiling under her skin that with him it could go in a different direction, and that she had to be careful no matter what.

"Besides Severus," she continued, "you've mistaken. I am not shooting for three years. I'm mentally exhausted."

"Yes you haven't stopped smiling since you've come in."

She beamed, shrugged and replied, "I think everything will be going my way from now on."

"So Tam Turner is behind bars, I presume?" He finished his food and took a sip from his glass of wine. He leaned back in his chair.

"I didn't have a name, but I guess that's the man. Who is he exactly?" she asked. She knew he knew who he was, but she also knew that she wasn't going to get all the details; especially the dark details.

"Exactly what you know, an imitator. It was a polyjuice potion. He looked just like you, complete even with the cascades of your faults."

"Clumsiness," she automatically corrected him without even a thought. She hated that he thought of it as if it was a mistake and something that she could just fix.

"Right," he said after a moment of disinterest. "Anyways, you know it worked for a while and in the most recent event it wore off in time, in the wrong setting and your friend was there to see it happen."

She chuckled shaking her head again as if that could just simply ease away everything she "couldn't believe."

"You shake your head because?" he questioned, only this time it was with interest.

She shrugged. "I didn't know any of this, and now that it's over, I feel like I should have done more, you know? The whole thing was once again about me, and it's funny I've once again had nothing to do with it. I was only able to receive information through the grapevine. Plus, why would someone chose to be me? I'm not all that-"

He arched a brow.

"Nothing."

"Consider what you have that other people don't have."

She winced. "Don't make me anymore special than you or Kingsley."

He was the one this time to give his head a shake. "You want something to eat?"

She shook her head and sat forward, one leg starting to fall asleep. "I'm fine."

"Well then excuse me." He took care of the dishes and disappeared upstairs. She would have left the dishes to grow green stuff or whatever it was that was left on them to take a molding to the china.

She took to the couch which the blanket from yesterday was still there.

A while later he came back downstairs. She opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"Sit up."

She did and he sat down and she layed against his thigh wrapped in the blanket feeling very cold.

"Why are you warm?" he asked.

She wanted to be sarcastic and tell him that it was summer but that wasn't the case.

"Sometimes I get sporadic fevers at night. It started when I was seven. They go away before I wake up in the morning. It's nothing. That's not what it felt like on the inside, but she wasn't going to say anything about that.

"I bet," he mutually agreed. He shifted so he was on the couch and she was laying halfway on him though she was still lying on her side.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked though she didn't move or object in anger and a scene.

"Because you said you didn't like sleeping alone. I could move," he offered though he made no move to go.

"No, its fine, but you warned me against proximity and control issues."

"I told you I would go along and take what doesn't belong to me that belongs to someone else."

She felt that rumble of his chest, but she didn't feel the synergy of darkness. But he was always great at what he did so he could and was probably hiding it so well. After all he was straddling the fence when it came to taking sides so who knew when it came to him?

"You'll use this against me, won't you?" she asked quietly.

"It can't work in your favor. It will only work in mine, so apparently even though you're not fighting with me you're out of luck."

"Then as you wish," she whispered. She didn't have the fight in her because she felt like no matter what she thought, what she believed in, nothing would happen the way she wanted it to happen. It would be a never ending cycle. She didn't have as much hope as she wanted or the fight in her to believe. She received a glimmer of hope earlier in the day, but that's all it was. It made her happy for a moment, like the piece of a puzzle and just laying there with him seemed to fill in the rest of the pieces.

She snuggled more into him for comfort and felt his arms bring her closer to him. She felt one hand go to her hair and one rub down her back slipping low at times.

With her eyes closed and mind relaxed she didn't know who she wanted to imagine the person being.

Happy Thanksgiving. Let me know what you think so far.


	9. Picking Up the Pieces

Chapter 9

Tonks woke up too warm and tangled in the one she really wished she wasn't sleeping with. She thought. She didn't know what she wanted anymore.

One of his hands rested tangled in her hair while the other one cupped one of her buttocks. She on the other hand had one hand behind his neck and the other held limp by his head until she moved.

She hated how she felt, even if they were false feelings. She just wanted to feel wanted and loved. She wanted an able body to see her through the night. And, even though she wanted someone else she liked what she was doing, she liked it a lot. It made her like him and hate herself because she has someone who awaited for her when they came back. She wasn't keeping faithful, but she didn't want to stop either.

She had an internal struggle with one side above the other; the wrong side gaining the upper hand.

But then another side jumped in, the logical side. It told her that she couldn't lay around all day, but that it was time to go to work.

She sat up quickly, saw the chiming clock while her elbows dug right into him. He took her wrists and pulled her back down on top of him. She looked him in the eyes , her alert ones to his sleepy dark ones.

He smirked. "Easy with your wake, there is someone else sharing this couch with you."

"I'm late for work, "she snapped.

"I'm not surprised." He let her go. "Have a good day Nymphadora."

"I intend to," she gathered herself pulling her clothes into place. She eyed him, completely meeting his eyes again. "You have one too."

"I intend to."

She arrived late so she wasn't able to see Kingsley and was messaged as soon as she was to her department that she was to see her supervisor immediately.

Tonks couldn't put the smile on her face just yet. She walked in and was going to take a seat when she advised her not to.

"I want to make this quick, once again I express my apology."

Tonks didn't flinch, she didn't flounder or even twitch a movement in her face when she said, "I know."

The lady narrowed her eyes at the younger woman. She didn't like her attitude and felt that she should have felt more appreciative. But Tonks, clever than that knew this was no privilege so she didn't share in what this lady thought she should feel.

"You are not under probabtion anymore, everything you need to resume is on your desk."

"Thank you," she smirked short and simple.

After leaving her office she thought about getting a jump start but wanted to see her 'good friend' Kingsley, and knew she 'always' deserved that. She smiled at him genuinely.

"You're cleared again," he stated the obvious.

"Like my days at Hogwarts, nobody can ever prove a thing."

He patted her knee. "Well hurry up, we have a sighting in Diagon Alley to check out."

"You know I'm always ready."

"House arrest doesn't make you rusty."

"Nope."

Late on in the earlier hours of the night she found herself at his home once again. Earlier in the day she had admitted to herself that she shouldn't be doing it, but because she could, and because she needed someone to be with, even just for her own selfish cause she did it. She just needed someone to be with. The thought of ending up alone scared her so even if it was fake he was there.

Maybe he liked her there? Maybe not. Whatever it was he didn't say anything. He only told her that he wouldn't put her away when she got comfortable. He said he wouldn't control his actions too far, but then again he said he would fuel the flames. He was toying with her, and peeking out of her dark side, a small voice said that she liked it.

The house was quiet as always. It was what she come to expect living in a big, empty house herself. She didn't expect otherwise.

She took a seat at the kitchen table and even in the mixed confused thoughts that played in her head she knew she missed Remus. It dawned on her when she fought herself for her mistakes and how she was portraying him but it was true. She missed him, the love of her life. It seemed like he didn't care, like he didn't want to be with her.

She had red eyes from crying, but she wasn't crying now. She put her wand on the table as well as her as the other junk in her pockets. She was surprised at how much she had in her pockets. With everything on the table she sat there and did nothing. She felt real tired. The days task at work were long past, it was just the sadness that made her tired, made her feel depressed and unmotivated. She felt unaccomplished, but then she thought that she was really getting back into the things at work.

But worst of all she hated how she had a good and a bad for everything when she just wanted a good for everything that went on in her life.

She sat in the dark for a long time and was just about to doze off when he came home.

"Are you waiting for me?" he asked with a hint of mockery.

"No" she lied. She pocketed all her junk and went into the living and sat down.

He did his thing and was about to head upstairs for the night when she questioned, "You're not going to stay with me?"

"I am not sleeping on the couch again. I have a bed upstairs. You're more than welcomed to join me." The last part had an upward ascend like he was tempting her very much to do so.

She didn't say anything; she didn't even look at him. She felt lucky that the room was dark and the couch was back to the stairs.

"Goodnight Nymphadora." He took off up the stairs.

She kicked off her shoes. She knew it was all wrong. Again and again she kept fighting herself; trying to justice her means but it was no use. She couldn't help herself. She couldn't control it. She hated herself over it.

She hated the subtle power he had over her, she hated the choice she was making. It made her her cry as her feet took her upstairs. In his doorway she stood and saw that he laid facing the wall under the covers in pajamas.

She went over to the bed, lifted the covers and laid on the edge like the time she threw up and was too confused to get back into the bed he set up for her. But just like last time she wanted someone to care.

He turned on his side and faced her back. She rolled over until she saw facing him.

"Just admit it," he whispered.

She shook her head and pulled the cover around her tighter.

"Afraid?" he taunted though there was no taunt behind it. He put his arm around under her head for something to lean on and she did hoping to cut the circulation out of it.

"No." She couldn't keep up the brigade so her eyes left his face and shifted so her face was against his arm.

"Then why are you so upset?" he asked and she felt him use his other hand to move her hair out of her face. He didn't make her come face to face with him.

She didn't know what kind of emotion to feel so she tried at being blank; being very bland.

"Long day," she said feeling very 'uncomfortable' by his face lightly playing with her hair. It felt nice and she didn't want to feel that by him. She turned over to put her back to him. She didn't want to speak again, but she felt suddenly cold so she held out her hand When he took it she pulled him ever so. Now he was right at her back. He moved even closer securing his arms around her, his lips right at her ear.

"You keep throwing mix messages at me. I won't throw mixed messages at you. No matter how much you try to deny something it just makes it more real. I know what you want, and you know what you want. When you are ready to admit it out loud I will be there to hear it."

She couldn't say anything so she didn't.

Early in the morning with a small bit of light to filthier through the shade and hit her she arose to use the bathroom and crept quietly back into bed and got back into his arms, him never waking up but moving instinctively.

She fell back asleep quickly and when it was time to awake at a decent hour he was already gone for the day so she was relieved to know that she didn't have to endure any awkward conversation about her and her confusion.

But something about what happened made her feel in a very good mood. She knew it would be a good day. The sun was shining and as she made her way into work on time she thanked small miracles.

She didn't see her best friend but saw her mentor Mad Eye Moody so she caught up to him and his quick stride. Everyone was always in a hurry.

"Wotcher Moody," she greeted brightly, the good mood in her making her feel good and wanting to make him feel the good mood. She added, "I haven't seen you in a while. How's life? Where have you been?"

He gave her a look with his good eye, one that made her feel like she was back to training again and wasn't as brought about as the rest.

"I've been trailing you," he said with a tinge of disappointment that he was, like the many, trailing the wrong person.

"I hope you had fun, and that I took you on many little fun adventures," she said trying to be coy, trying to lighten his mood but he wasn't for it at all. He didn't crack in his demeanor. He never looked anything along the lines of happy so she never knew when he was truly mad or other emotions.

"Or not, you know I was just kidding with-" her whole sentence fell so she just closed her mouth.

"Nymphadora!"

"Tonks," she automatically corrected him. She didn't know why she let some people call her that and get away with it like Severus Snape did. She corrected him a few times but after a while she stopped because she knew that he wasn't going to stop.

Maybe he liked her name, he bnever had a problem with it in the long time that she knew him.

"You really had me questioning you and what you stood for, but I hung in there. I had to see it through to the end and hjust make sure. I have faith in you.

She smiled but her eyes watered. "You can't do this to me, I don't want to cry." She wiped her eyes. "You can always count on me. I will never go astray." Even saying the word she felt like she was lying to him, but not to him in particular. Either way it made her feel guilty and wrong. She hid those feelings very well and dried her eyes.

"Tonks, why are you crying?" her friend, also a member of the Order of the Phoenix asked.

"I'm just relieved that's all." Tonks told her.

"Oh, I thought some low-life here made you cry because I would take my broomstick and shove it straight up their-"

"Thanks, I'll be sure to call you," tonks reassured Hestia who has to hurry away on her business.

She turned her attention back to Moody. "So? You never told me how's life going? How is it for you because I haven't been able to talk to you in a while."

"It's the same shit just a different day, you know how that goes?"

She nodded in agreement.

"What are you doing tonight?" he asked. She took a seat at her desk, opened a drawer and pulled out some sweets. She offered him some sweets but knew he wouldn't take any. And when he didn't she shrugged and ate one. She once again hadn't eaten any breakfast and wondered how long she would be able to live on junk food. What she craved was some scrambled eggs and bacon with lots of pepper.

Her stomach growled. She put her hands to it to feel less embarrassed by muting the sound and said, "Uh, not much. Why? What's up?"

"There is a gathering tonight and I want you to attend with me."

"You want me to be your date?" she inclined her head with a big cheesy smile. She had no problem with him or going anywhere with him.

And for just one second she could have sworn that she saw him blush. But he was just a mutual scowl. "Actually it's for work. I need you undercover."

She felt a tiny bit disappointed, but it was work related; always work related. Once in a while she wished it was that he wanted her company, but she had to realize that he was never fun and accept it. She got her jollies of jokes when he first started as being her mentor.

She was going to go anyways, like she told him before he could always count on her.

"Sure I'll go with you even though you would never even consider me a date. What time do you want me to do this?"

He gave her a look. "Six-thirty. I'll me you at your home and take us there," he imformed and walked away.

She shouted after him, "Have a nice day Tonks. Thank you. You have a nice day as well."

"Get to work!"


	10. Possibly a Beautiful Day

Chapter 10

OMG! It's snowing. Woo, going to get between 12 to 18 inches. So excited!

Tonks ate some more candy and checked out her work. She had to check out an underground subway system station because of a suspicious male figure who has been lingering there much too long. Muggle reports 'claimed' that this man was turning civilians into toads, and as funny as it was to her, it was serious. People noticed things and what this guy was doing was making it very obvious. There were seventeen men missing who went to work in the morning and didn't get on the evening train or show up home therefore after. Where their location was currently still remained a mystery.

She looked through the paperwork and found it very interesting that there wasn't a photograph, only a description of a tall man of six feet with dark skin and bold brown eyes that looked abnormally large, like he was wearing eyeglasses only the description made it clear that he wasn't. It could be Kingsley for all she thought, which made her laugh to herself. She was accused of doing things and committing acts, only to find out it was an imposter, maybe he had one too.

But when it said he had long black nails like talons she knew Kingsley would never paint his nails, though there was a mental picture in there somewhere that besmirched a giant smirk on her face.

It would be something fun, the task to complete. It was something to do besides sitting at a desk and getting leg or butt cramps.

She gathered up all she needed and went to find Kingsley before she left. If Kingsley wasn't working with her she always made sure to tell him goodbye, and that she would either see him later or tomorrow because she just never knew. And not having last words with Kingsley would affect her, she knew that, but it would also affect him. She knew that to be true even if he had never said that.

She found him down the hall in a very deep conversation with a man she only knew in passing. He never gave her a smile or even a wave, instead to just pass in a hurry as if she wasn't even there, even if she was standing in his way. She found it amusing to dub him as someone who just simply didn't like her. She caught his eye and he finished up his conversation and went over to her.

"I have things to do- yes I'm surprised too, but I want to say goodbye and that I'll see you tomorrow."

"Alright, take care Metamorphmangus," he mocked and she got a nice hug before she left.

Tonks knew all about Muggles having her father be one of them and going half her life as one in her neighborhood. The thing she hated was when she couldn't rely on magic, or use it unless it was absolutely, absolutely necessarily necessary around them, which would be when she caught the guy since it was a Muggle station. She was already a "freak" and to give people more of reason to believe to was asking way too much.

The station was packed for the early afternoon or late morning, whichever it was to which person. No matter, the prime description would help her out; all she had to do was picture Kingsley.

She wondered down like she was waiting for the subway but acted like she wasn't sure if it was the right station or not, and if the right train would be in it.

"Ah man, lady that ain't flying," a man behind her, ten feet away said and she stopped by the slang in his voice. She turned around and if there were bells she'd hear them dinging. The man fit the description so well, and he couldn't be any more older than she was. He didn't look dangerous, but looks were deceiving.

She smiled to herself because it couldn't be any more easier. Now, she had to play her cards right.

She turned around. "What ain't flying?" she asked.

"Your hair woman, it's pink."

She took a strand in her fingers to make sure she had pink hair instead of another color.

"You don't like it?" she asked with a pout on her face.

The subway approached and the people got on, except for the two of them. They remained just standing, keeping 'their cool.'

"Aren't you getting on?" she asked.

"Why get on when my princess will become a toad?"

She knew that he was magical, but from his statement alone she couldn't tell if he knew she was or not. She had to play to his sarcastic character. She said, "Okay, you're weird. Hey, let me guess you're going to whip out your magic wand and say magical words?" Though she crossed her arms over her chest, the one closest to her chest, insider her sleeve held securely her want for when she was going to use it,

She was definitely going to use it.

"Exactly," the deep man's voice concluded still against the wall gangster style.

"I think you missed your train, the crazy train." If she could buy a few more seconds she'd have him completely off guard and handle him and get back quickly.

"You don't believe me?" he asked with a cynical chuckle, still just leaning there like it was another casual day in the subway station.

She knew the time was then.

"Well my mother taught me a few things; don't talk to strangers, cross your legs in a dress and if you're going to do something, then just do it." She pulled her wand out and he went down in a daze, his own wand falling out of his grip and rolling to her feet. She stomped it in half and looked to the man with a very shocked look on his face. She destroyed his friend maker, so no more friends for him.

"Damn, you talked to me like I wanted to be here all day. I don't. It was nice that you made it so eas-" Her legs were pulled out from under her and she scrapped her knees and palms preventing a face plant into cement.

"Woman, you can't be serious." He kicked her over and kneed one knee into her gut and one on the wrist of her wand hand. She screamed out in pain and he grabbed her wand. Lost in his distraction she kicked him straight in the groan and he dropped and dropped her wand. She grabbed it with her left hand, stunned him until he wasn't even twitching. She was glad that there wasn't anyone around to see her embarrassing fleet; of her taking victory without completing the job.

"Now I'm done with you, and your strange fascination with toads, and yes my hair is rockin' thank you very much!"

He didn't respond.

She felt relieved to have another happy moment in her life, proving that she could handle her job, and not be situated at a desk.


	11. Happy Feelings Never Enough

Chapter 11

She finished that small problem and went back, but skipped lunch and left early. Her wrist and gut hurt and she wanted to nap before she had to go with Moody that night, and with an eye like his he did not miss a thing; along with being very, very paranoid.

She took a nap feeling much better and was up and ready to go a half hour before he was supposed to show up. She poured herself a glass of wine and sat in the sitting room with the same book she was trying to read the previous year. It was in Hungarian so she wasn't going too quickly, and as much as she wished she could just skim along and find out what happened in the end she knew she wasn't going to get there anytime soon. The better of a thought was to find someone who was fluent in the language and to either read it to her, or just tell her the ending skipping through everything else.

Right before the ending of the fourth chapter the door opened and Mad Eye came in. She could tell by his clonking that it was him. She never expected someone unwelcomed, and no one unwelcomed ever came. They didn't know where it was, she hoped, and felt that it was like with vampires and having to be welcomed in to enter.

Then where did that leave Snape? She mused.

"Welcome Sunshine. Are you ready?" she asked when he took position in the archway. He never showed excitement or an emotion to feat upon to know what to expect or what he ever expected out of any situation.

He eyed her then said, strictly business, "You're going to wear that?"

Her mouth dropped. She looked down at her clothes; jean capris faded from wear and a feminine cut orangish-brown t-shirt with long, dark hair in a side ponytail and side swept bangs which fell right into the ponytail.

"Yes I am. Is there a problem? Clearly you didn't tell me what to wear." She crossed her arms over her breasts feeling indignant because he had a comment about the way she was so normal. Maybe he expected her to be "weird" and seeing her like that was just a setback in which she went to feeling smug.

"Its fine," he said, "You look nice." He straightened and she thought he even blushed but he covered that with, "You won't stick out anymore than you usually do."

"You know you like my style and don't lie either." She smiled when he gave her that look.

"So, what am I doing on our 'non-date?" She had so many ways to continuously push his buttons.

"Fun or not as you say, it's not a date. You are playing my date-"

She pointed a finger at him.

"You will be looking for a man, and luring him away from the party and into the woods."

"With my charming wit and beautiful looks right?" she smiled, striking a ta-da pose, arms wide.

"Yes," he cast a side look, "that must be it, huh?"

She dropped her arms letting them swing to her sides. "You're making a joke at me and its mean." She pouted. She loved messing with him because he was always so serious and task oriented all the time. He was never relaxed and always looking over his shoulder. They were not all going to get him. Besides, he'd see him before they could anyways.

"So do I get to hang on your arm and be your trophy?" She mocked slithering up to him and putting her arm through his.

"You're lucky your mate isn't seeing this."

"You always bring me down." She moved away from him, "and you even said it's not a date. We always have to work. I want to have fun with you. The only time we every had fun was the Friday of my first week of my training and you only laughed because I fell, but I took you down with me so there!" She stuck her tongue out childishly.

"I laughed because I couldn't believe someone like you wanted to, and was serious about becoming an Auror."

That didn't help her, or make her feel bright anymore. She went over to her glass and took a sip. Looking into its depth she wished it would swallow her up. She wallowed, "Thanks for the confidence, but I proved you wrong." She had confidence in her, even if it did linger with the doubt like a kid going astray.

"You sure did," he said, "Let's go."

She had to let go of the doubt feelings she felt because not everyone was going to leave her. She wanted to believe it was true but one time was one too many and it took a huge margin in her and made it seem that way. It was over powering and she felt it grip her heart more and more as she tried to fight that feeling away. It took her confidence so when someone took a shot at her, even one to joke she, in her heart felt another sting that zapped the good energy. And it didn't account for just those close to her, but everyone.

"Okay, um, before we go, who is this guy and what does he look like? I've played the guessing game today and only got lucky because he didn't like my hair." She flicked her ponytail back behind her shoulder.

Moody pulled out an old copy of the prophet and showed her the cover of a man standing in a snow scene very professional and smiling like he was the one who was going to get the cheese and nobody was going to tell him otherwise.

"What did he do?" she asked admiring the perfection of the snow rather than the man. He was not a site to look at for long because he has an evil glint in his eye that made him look even more powerful. He was handsome, but the beauty of that was sucked away by the evil he just looked to be oozing.

"Don't worry about that, just get him away from the scene and I'll handle it from there."

"Then you'll tell me?" she egged on.

"Are you ready?" he asked totally blowing her off.

She fixed her shirt and smoothed her ponytail. "I've been ready." She said and followed him outside where he apparated them to an outdoor location where in the distance there was a huge gathering of folks, stringed lights in a party setting. Everyone, from the distance looked nice and polished. It looked relaxed, it looked fun and just because she was on a 'non-date' mission didn't mean she couldn't have fun.

Plus there was a set base of musicians stringing music by a few who looked and played very well.

She put her arm in his and they walked down.

The party was for those who were familiar with each other and very wise with age, and had very tall tale signs of adventure, like Mad Eye. He must have had many adventures like/with them.

As they entered and were greeted and acquainted by questions she realized that he thought of her name on the spot because he didn't say anything before they left and the name she would have for the rest of the night was Tanya Redding. She didn't like it nearly enough as she hated it, but it was better than Nymphadora, and shorter too; way shorter.

She had reason to feel kind of happy and sort of eased. Upon closer exception, and trying hard to catch her before she stared she realized she was the only one who had everything possibly owned by the body still intacted. She thanked the higher power because someone was missing a buttock and she liked her just the way they were. She came to the conclusion that they only looked polished from a distance.

She made small talk with the people and laughed at jokes, even those that were not funny and even those that were very awkward. One had to do with being a Metamorphmangus, in which Moody swayed that topic to something different.

Overall it was fairly good and everything felt fine except for her wrist. It was black and blue from the man in the underground subway system. She held her bad arm in his arm to hide it from questioning eyes, but knew that he wanted to know what was wrong when it.

By the end of the party she informed him that the man never showed up.

"I didn't think he'd show up anyways," Moody concluded on a more defeated note. She heard the defeat and didn't think that he realized that he let that show.

She put a hand atop of his.

"Are you going to tell me now who he is and why he is important?"

"No, so forget this whole night," he barked at her. She drained her glass and dropped the matter. She squeezed his hand before releasing. She didn't take offense. He was a very private person and because there were no results he would just dispense of the matter and latch onto something else that would be potential with results.

She liked her mentor in ways that couldn't be described. There was nothing romantic but there was something there, a lifetime bond that could never be broken. He took her under his wing, he saw the best in her and never let go from there. He was a good guy and strived for excellence, and he could tell, in her, if she told a straight out lie or not, and without saying a word make her mend herself.

If only now he could let up and have some fun sometimes he would be a complete picture of him.

The metamorph eyed the dance floor. She knew it was a bad idea but she had a few in her and wanted to dance. She couldn't see herself doing it so she couldn't judge her foolishness, and the others didn't matter to her what they saw.

Even if it meant all that she just wanted to have fun.

"Do you want to dance before we leave" she offered up to him earnestly.

"No." He gave a small shake of his head, but leaned in, "there is a lad at three o' clock who's been eyeing you all night so go and give him the time of night."

She eyed the man, eye her. He was decent and she pitched him to be about her age.

He winked at her.

She turned back to Moody. "Whatever happened to questioning my ability without my mate?" She winked at the man.

He turned his attention to something in the distance. "I didn't see anything."

She got up and unsteadily made her way over to him and onto the dance floor.

She danced with him and before he could go as far as an offer of preference of his place or hers she went back to Moody and they headed back to the spot where they had first appeared. She looked over her shoulder and caught the guy's eye and winked at him again.

He walked her into the house and said, "Thank you for your company."

"Oh please, anytime. You know you don't have to ask me twice. But maybe one day you'll take me on a real date." She elbowed him but he was not taking the joke.

"Get sleep. You have a meeting at work tomorrow about reform. Apparently the distrust in their workers is recognized. Nice organization and teamwork, aye?"

She crossed her arms over her breasts. "What joy! I get to have another room full of people to stare at me. Woo, I can hardly wait."

"Keep your head up," he advised and left.

When he was gone she pulled the wrap-around out of her hair. She threw off her sandals and put on some slip-ons, left and apparated to Snape's living room and landed on her butt in her tipsy, good mood. She had a good day and wasn't miserable like past days.

She went up to where he was sleeping and tried to take quiet steps and sit on the bed but he woke up.

She gave a small wave. He sat up and saw that she cradled that bad arm to her chest unconsciously. It was hurting again.

"Wotcher," she whispered. At least she thought she whispered.

He was tired, she had actually woken him up with his eyes already closing he turned on his side and laid back down with his back to her.

"Goodnight to you too." She got up and moved the covers and got under. She needed to get sleep as well to actually get up and get to work on time.

He rolled over and brought her close to him, his arms sneaking around her and coming together, his face close to hers.

She put her hands a top his. With his face so close she could smell his breath with it smelling like rum, an expensive kind.

"You've been drinking," she giggled.

"Not as much as you have."

She turned on her back and kissed him, deeply finding out that she could taste just as much as she had had.

"Yes you have," she repeated smiling with the curve of her top lip on her front teeth.

"Let's try that one more time," he whispered and they kissed one more time before she broke it and got back into position with him, her eyes already closed.

She felt his face close to her's and his hand travel down her thigh.

She awoke when sun rays hit her face surprised that the sun was shining through a window with the shade halfway up. He never let any form of outside existence in before.

She opened her eyes to see his face. "What time is it?" she asked feeling just how dry her mouth was and just how bad her breath was.

He was the same.

"Half past six," he answered with sleep clearly on the agenda. She pulled the blanket closer and turned over hogging it just the same. "Another hour until I have to go to that hell hole," she grumbled feeling the dread of what they day was going to be like already seeping in.

Snape got up and then returned back a few minutes later. He sat on the end of the bed like was debating getting back in or not.

"Aren't you going to join me?" she grumbled presumably trying to find comfort in knowing that it was morning already.

"Yes, but let me ask you something," he began. She knew what it was going to be. In her dreams she asked herself the same things, but she didn't want to think of emotional feelings for her actions. She had to build a wall around the situation and especially around herself. She said to him, "Before you can say anything else, I was drunk, I hope you were too, and you tasted good, that's all there was to it."

"So you think you have control, you think this situation will only work to your advantage? There is only one week left until classes resume, I'm getting my way."

"Is that a challenge? And if it is then make it at an hour where it is almost human. Until then are you going to go back to sleep, with me?" She had to keep on top, keep everything as a shake off, for if it was to be totally different and she didn't have control then she would be so over her head she wouldn't know what to do, and would ruin everything.

"Yes," he said taking the blow off and not mending the words to throw back at her, but instead to add, "Whenever you decide to close your mouth."

He got back into bed with her, his arms around her; his arms always around her and kissed her neck.

She didn't want to fight it, but then she wanted to fight it. She knew that it was wrong, but she needed someone to be there for her all the time. She needed someone to love her, or just give the impression of love. But sadly, when he went back to Hogswart in a week's time she would once again feel abandoned and without love which made her feel alone and lost. The man she tried to be with, feel a connection with was never going to be there with her for forever and she didn't like that one bit.


	12. Quicker Weekends, Shorter Nights

Chapter 12

Tonks left for work on time and relentlessly walked down to where Kingsley gave the tiniest twitch of a smirk on his lips to indicate a teaser tone. He always teased her whenever there was a meeting to degrade the lower of the Auror department. She hated feeling like her work meant nothing, but knew that those who really knew her knew that she meant something to something much more bigger than they knew.

"Kill me now," she muttered to herself catching up to his long quick strides. Being like a million feet taller than herself she felt like she would always be catching up, but knew that was an excellence to strive too.

Because it was so busy that day, to the news yet not to reach her ears he said, "Good morning Nymphadora Tonks."

"Wotcher Kings-" she was knocked from behind by someone who also wasn't watching where they were going, but also going to fast with the traffic of people traveling every which way.

"Watch it!" she shouted at the hurrying man.

The man turned around and gave her a very rude gesture. She wanted to go after him and give him something rude to think about but Kingsley's thick hand grabbed her wrist gently.

She broke away when she knew that she was not going to go after the man. She'd "accidentally" trip him when she saw him out and about.

"Come to my office and I'll inform you on what I know so far."

She followed him and took her favorite place perched on his desk where she always liked to sit while he took his chair. She never liked chairs and was frowned upon for sitting on things that weren't meant to be sat on. But with Kingsley she'd sit and get information she wouldn't get anywhere else.

She looked down at the Daily Prophet on his desk and saw that she wasn't gracing the front page, or anyone she knew. It was just a boring story about someone finding the Prime Minister's face on a piece of candy.

"I know 'we'," she emphasized the 'we', "have a meeting today about how incompetent we are, and how we aren't living up to our expectations, and all that other nonsense they can say because they don't do nearly half the shit we do, but tell me now what's going on?"

"Remember how your aunt, so sorry, your 'favorite' aunt escaped prison?"

She gave him a look. He continued on anyways, "as much as she's been in hiding the rumor mill is buzzing that she is actually missing."

Tonks didn't see the point in this as being of a huge importance. She didn't care about the woman.

She smiled though, because to her it was good news, something to bring up her spirits for the day because nothing else was. "Good, let her stay that way," she commented dryly.

But that couldn't be all. She narrowed a suspicious look. "But there has to be more. That can't be all. I don't think the buzz would be this big if it was only that." She crossed her legs at the ankle and stretched back, said, on a higher note, "I'd expect parties, you know where people dance in the street? There'd be songs about witches being dead and streamers and fireworks. There has got to be more, a reason why everyone is running around like chicken's without heads."

"A few bodies were found on Withering Lane in the London country side, unidentifiable, and one can possibly be her." He watched her face for reaction and the only thing that happened was her mouth went from a smile to a straight line. Could it actually be her?

But then Tonks had to think of her family. Her family members weren't ones to go down so easily. When they were going down they went down with a fight. She knew it because half of them were in league with the Dark Lord.

She shook her head. The thin line of her lips turned into a frown. "One of them isn't her. As much as I don't want to admit it she's very crafty at what she does and won't be caught in a plot that involves her demise- as much as I want that to be."

He gave her a look that made her feel like he was second guessing her again. He knew the truth, but she could see the uneasiness in his dark eyes. She didn't mention this to him. If he wanted to do that again she was just going to stand back and let him think whatever he wanted. She wasn't going to waste energy on his opinion and whether or not he was going to change it.

"Well it looks like my week isn't over yet," she said getting down off the desk, "see you at the meeting. I'm sure I'll be demoted so low I'll be flat as a pancake." She walked away feeling her mood sour like milk. It was getting to the point that she didn't even want the job anymore. They were just going to find ways of making her out to be a bad guy because of a gift she was gifted with, but make it bad and fire her or lock her in a cell in Azkaban.

She thought back, did a three sixty and went back to his office and just stuck her head back in. "I still love you," then she disappeared. She checked her tasks for the dayand set out for them with her partner. It wasn't Kingsley, which she was feeling iffy with, but it would be better to be him because some of them, her current partner really needed that meeting and a crash course in everything.

Kingsley was strong and she drew her strength from him, and she knew he knew it too.

Friday afternoon seemed impossible to finish on a beautifully weathered day. Throw in another meeting to criticize work ethics in one week just made it feel like it wasn't going to end. And it had to be at the end of the work day.

The bodies were found to not have been foul-play. They were from a fire started in the kitchen of a party at a residential.

She liked that he lost the look in his eyes, but hated that wall with cracks in it when it came to relationships; not wanting to deal with anymore tension.

She found Kingsley and put her arm through his thick muscular one.

"Are you ready for the lecture on how we stink?" she asked him with a smile that made it to her face by force of her mouth muscles.

"If you think that is bad wait until they start breathing down your neck, watching your every move, questioning your every movement," he said under his breath for only her to hear.

"Like they don't already," she said to him. She took her arm away and they went to the meeting where he was praised for his steady work habits through consistency while a lot of them, her, were referenced of vague insults that made her feel like she once again didn't matter.

Some of the people, she could pick out who were indeed over their head. She hated that they labeled her in there, even if they didn't say it. She wanted to put a few people in their places. Her want hand was itching and she really wanted to scratch it.

After the meeting she was about to split when Hestia came up to her.

"Wotcher Hestia, are you ready for detention?" She laughed when her friend smiled and burst out laughing along with her.

"Yeah, I'm saying." She leaned in closer and whispered, "I feel like I'm in school again. I'm too old to be talked down upon. It just gets ridiculous after a while."

"We should round up a group of friends and do it like they say," she gave her a knowing look which they both totally understood was in their second lives.

"We can complain about every single thing we do. It'll be like when we were little kids. It'll be like playing house."

"Let's bail now," Tonks suddenly thought up, "Let's get Kingsley and start the weekend early."

Her friend's sudden drop in excitement mellowed her mood. Hestia said, "I have work to complete, but if you'll wait a few I'll be done and we can start the weekend then."

A smile came back to her face. "Sure thing, I'll make myself busy until I find you again," Tonks said.

"Sure, thank you." Hestia gave Tonks hand a squeeze before heading back to do her work. Tonks could learn something from her but then remembered what they expected of her and knew that she wasn't going to give her best to someone who would never see it even if it was in front of their face.

She headed down the long hall of those leaving for the day and bumped into Arthur Weasley, Charlie Weasley's father and also another member of the Order of the Phoenix.

"Wotcher Arthur," she greeted matching his stride and following him to his destination.

"Hello Tonks, how is your day going?" she greeted back brightly.

"Like hell, but you know it's almost over so it's going to get better once I leave this place."

"Yeah, I can feel that today as well, this place is a circus."

She saw that he looked real ruffled and tired. He like her was looking for exits. She didn't want to be there as much as he didn't want to be.

At the junction for their departure, and after explaining the horror of her week he put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't let it get you down, it was just a bummed week," he said reassuringinly.

"Thanks, I'll remember that when it happens again next week," she joked with him.

They parted on good terms and soon enough she found  
Hestia who ws free to leave with her. They went with Kingsley to the Leaky Cauldron to start the weekend off right.

Late that evening she changed out of her work robes at home and apparated to Snape's home and crawled into bed. There was no other contact from Remus and it didn't make her sad anymore- it made her mad. She hated the fact that she was the only one in the relationship who wanted to be together. And even though he wrote her and was out there making a difference she felt like he didn't care about her even with the reassurance from him that he was coming back.

Then, to add to that, she was in bed with someone else, which made it all the more difficult. She didn't do anything to trash her life, which made her only feel the hint of a bit better.

But not really.

She didn't feel like doing anything else for the night, even if it was a fine night to be in town and out and about. She had nobody else; not the one she could be with every day and every night. She didn't have anything that was real. She hated that, and just when her life had started to move forward it stopped, turned around and went back.

Tonks woke up on Saturday morning in Snape's arms, something she never thought would happen. She used to have nightmares about him when she went to bed at night, and now she was in his bed.

It was weird and she'd never tell her friends.

She didn't remember when he came home, but was glad that he was there and she wasn't alone like she was afraid to be.

"Wotcher," she whispered to him even though she thought him to be asleep.

She squeezed his hands in hers.

"Thought you not to be a morning person," he commented mildly insulting.

"Hm?" she thought. She always hated getting up in the morning, it was always too bright and early; especially on work days. But today was no exception as well.

"I am not a morning person at all. You can tell by my lack in on time accomplishments at work. I'll still be in bed for a whole while longer." She said it with confidence like nothing was wrong with it, but then her brain caught up with her and she realized that she couldn't take it back or stammer or stutter.

She cringed inwardly.

"Well if you put it that way," he said with the evilness and taste in his eyes. She knew that evil from anywhere and anything else. She had verbally challenged it the prior year.

"I didn't mean it exactly like that," she placed together the words preciously, but no matter which way she did it, they never came out of her mouth the way she wanted them to.

"Exactly?" he questioned with the upper hand, as always, "what did you mean?"

She turned on her back so she could see his face. It was no fun talking like that when she couldn't see his face and engage his reaction.

She smiled.

"Do you mean what you said?" he asked head on his arm.

"Not exactly," she wavered.

"So you don't mean anything you say exactly, yet you kissed me, though you said you had drunk too much."

"I was," she claimed, though she only knew she drank a little.

"You knew what exactly you were doing, so admit the truth to yourself and admit it aloud."

She toyed with a piece of hair that was hanging in his face. "I kissed you, I admit that." She had no shame in that.

He gave a slight nod but had the look that said she didn't answer his question. He said, "admit you did it on your own will and," he had a slight elevation in his mood when he finished and said, "and you liked it."

She knew he was trying to get an act out of her. She knew that for sure she wasn't going to give him the rise he wanted. He always wanted to be on top, but she wasn't going to let that happen.

And she liked that when he was surprised at something she said. She said, "I did on my own free will, big deal. I liked kissing you and I will do it again." She grinned proud that she could keep herself up and calm and not admit any true feelings that would have consequences.

"Oh yeah? Is that so?"

She kissed him and then let go. They both locked eyes and then suddenly became engrossed with eachother. They kissed with arms around eachother, hands free to explore on their own. The kisses grew deep and even passionate, both hearts racing a million miles a minute.

He moved away from her lips to her neck and she broke away. She felt the horror because she was losing control. She was in bed with the devil.

"Had enough?" The evil smirk on his face proved he was a jerk, that he toyed until he got what he wanted.

He wanted her.

She wanted him.

It was something that wasn't suppose to happen.

She wasn't one to give up and not have the last word unless she was wrong, or atleast knew that she was wrong.

"No," she answered. She knew she'd regret it later when she was alone and her inner voice over powered her head, but she did it anyways. She leaned over and started making out with him again, each gropping until she pushed him away again realizing that she wasn't as strong as she wanted to think she was, that she was actually wrong in the situation.

"I better leave now."

"If you know what's good for you," he advised with victory crawling in his tone.

She didn't look back. She grabbed her sandals and left not remembering taking them off when she went to sleep the night prior.

She just knew that she wasn't going back and that she didn't know whether or not she was glad that Remus wasn't there, only that the voice in her head kept from not forgetting him, and not forgetting the him that was still in bed.


	13. Day to Stay in Bed

Chapter 13

By nightfall the next night she found herself to be really nervous and a little jumpy. She didn't know what to expect because she didn't know how she was going to act. She didn't know how her reaction and his reaction could change so fast. It started from a slow bond that went from mere deals to something slowly growing. She didn't know what it could exactly mean.

She sat in the living room with him while he worked on some kind of Potion when he had that twinge he thought he masked so well; like the last time he tried to hide it.

He set his things down with his right hand going to his upper left arm all the while trying to remain as calm as possible. She could tell though by the expression on his face; the grit of his teeth and a trickle of sweat that formed at his temple that it was obviously felt.

Interestingly enough he did not turn red.

She watched him as he took a small breath and put the cylinders and everything he worked with on the coffee table. He finally looked into his reassessing eyes.

She didn't say anything, just kept a mutual face.

"I will have to leave you prior to or plan," he said.

She wasn't stupid; she knew exactly what was going on and what was going to happen. Though it was her opposition she wasn't going to stop him because the thought of them in any interaction would not turn bright in anyone's mind. It would be more of issue to the company of those around them then the issue of them two.

But she was glad and not glad at the same time. She needed to know if she really wanted to feel close to him or not and just the thought of his pain and why it was inflicted on him gave her more of a side to lean on.

"The evil lingers, huh?" she asked trying to remain calm, knowing full well that she wished he wasn't the person he was going out there to be.

He got up and a pang hit him hard. She knew it hit him hard because he cringed.

"You better hurry, huh? Tell my aunt I said 'hi.'" She got up as well and apparated away. She didn't want to be there to know that he would go see the Dark Lord and all the death eaters who made her and all her fellow Aurors' lives a living hell.

That was all he was, a death eater and people like her went after people like him. That's how it was.

Yet, she wanted to be naive. She wanted to believe he was two dimensional and that maybe he realized what he wanted and that he could make the right decisions, the good decisions.

But life was never that easy. If it was then there wouldn't be need for Auror's or even Azkaban filled with people who couldn't be trusted to live in society without someone always guarding them.

But he wasn't like them, that was what she told herself. He was different, that she knew, but how different? And what if it was a lie? What if everything was a lie and it ruined her life completely?

She didn't know any answers but realized that she needed a drink badly. She went to the Leaky Caldron and ordered a fire whiskey and took a chair to a table by herself. She remembered the last time she was there he came in and she went home with him. But tonight she had nobody and felt lonely and somewhat depressed because she wanted him to be a different person.

She looked around to see if there was anybody she knew but saw no one. She didn't feel like making friends that night just to sit with someone. So she just sat by herself and nursed her drink reverting in herself, wanting so much more in life but having no energy to do so.

She finished her drink after a long while and just sat there for a long time watching the coming and goings of patrons. She wasn't a part of the ones who went out to have a good time.

By the time of closing she was the only one left after the staggered out the drunks.

A new bartender, very young at that came over to her table to kick her. He said, "Ma'am, its closing time. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"I'm not drunk young one. I was just about to leave."

She smiled on the inside when she saw the relieved look on his face that he didn't have to deal with a drunk. But the look also showed that he showed defeat easily, and that maybe bartender wasn't a job cut out for him.

If she was a drunk she knew he'd not be able to deal with her.

"All right," he said as if assessing a regular customer, "thank you for coming." He gathered everything off the table and walked away.

She exited onto the street where it was real humid, muggy and foggy; mostly uncomfortable. She was just glad to just be in leggings and oversized long razorback.

She took leave down the street knowing that she should have a buddy accomplish her, but at the same time feeling that she was an Auror, could handle herself and mostly importantly that she needed nobody.

She stopped and apparated back. She didn't want to think anymore about being alone, having someone she wanted, wanting to not be alone and just wanting to have someone no matter what.

She wanted to go back to more than a week ago when Remus was still there and none of the mess had happened. She wanted to take everything back, but she couldn't. She wanted to be happy, to feel happy again and not confused so she drowned herself in rum and passed out on the couch.

* * *

It was morning, but she dared not open her eyes. She knew the minute she moved, even the tiniest bit that the pain would start, and it would hurt so bad. She knew if she moved she might discover just how much damage her clumsy fleet to the couch caused her. And she knew that she didn't know just what to expect from him.

She didn't move. She didn't want to. She wanted to go back to sleep, but couldn't fall back asleep. She could feel a gentle breeze that wasn't there last night caress the back of her legs. She realized that she was in bed. She didn't know how, and she didn't know why.

She didn't even know if he was there in the bed beside her. So now she had to move. She lifted her arm from the perch under her head and felt around for something, anything. When her hand contacted his arm she gave a light pat and brought it back under her head which began to pound. It hurt and her body finally decided to catch up. She had the dry, bad taste in her mouth, her knee killed her and her back hurt. She didn't know what happened, nor did she really care at the moment. She wanted to ignore it all, pretend it didn't exist, and pretend she didn't exist.

She move her leg and felt contact with him. He didn't move so she moved over. She moved until she was comfortably touching him but not cuddling him beaus she hurt and didn't know if he was in a condition far worse than she was, but not for the same reasons.

The young Auror just wanted to be next to him as comfort, even if she didn't know what was going on, and couldn't open her eyes in fear of the pain and that it might actually be sunny outside.

She felt cramping in her stomach and scrunched her eyes tight. She didn't want to feel like that again. She hated that her life played over and over again only in negative integers; only parts she wanted to fast forward through.

She pulled herself out of bed and made it to the bathroom in time to empty her stomach into the toilet bowl.

She threw up everything from yesterday until there were only dry heaves and she collapsed onto the floor. She hated it so much.

She managed to collect herself and sit up slowly and lean against the bowl and smell her own vomit which made her sick to her stomach all over again.

She shoved away and managed to get on her feet and back to the bedroom where she collapsed onto the bed and on the edge curled up on her side. She didn't know if he had moved or was still there. She didn't want any more pain from herself and welcomed darkness when it wanted to take her over.

* * *

She woke again a few hours later with the sun shining through and the nice easy breeze from earlier gone. Now it was warm.

She pulled the top sheet off herself and blind eyed rolled her capri's up until they couldn't go any higher. Luckily she had no sleeves. She sat up and peeled the sheets off her back and saw that he was messed up. His arms were the worst but he had a huge bruise swelling up the side of his face, and sliced through were deep scratches.

One thing made her smile, and that smile lit a light in her because she saw him once again wearing pajamas. He wore light cotton plaid pants and a forest green t-shirt. Slytherin pride, she mused. It mad him look real different and even innocent, not like he was when his eyes were open and shrouded in black.

He said a long time ago that he wouldn't let her near his face, but he was sleeping and he was hurt, so she gave herself permission that she would take care of him and do it the good ol' Muggle way that she had done for Remus on more than one occasion. It panged her heart to think about him but the hurt was less painful because everything in her life felt like pain so it all just fit together.

She had to ease that from her mind and focus on him. She knew that he must have had a first-aid kit somewhere. He always took care of her when the times came so it must have come from somewhere.

She took out her wan and whispered the spell and took control of it. She cleaned his wounds and he slept in pained sleep. She knew because he sweated beads of sweat with narrow grooves between his brows.

She took care of all his wounds and put the first aid kit in the night table and looked in the bathroom for a face towel, wet it and put it on his forehead and left the room real quick and as best as she could without much incident she cleaned her putrid smell out of the bathroom. Exhausted she returned to the room and he was sleeping on his side with the towel still on his forehead. He looked mildly peaceful and had clean bandages on his arms.

She did a good job and was proud of herself. She took care of him and not the other way around for once. She did nothing wrong without even a clumsy moment. She thought her day to be looking up for once. She found the latest book he must've been reading, opened it up and sat next to him and began reading from the first page. She would keep him company until he awakened. She had nowhere to go and quite frankly didn't want to leave him, but to wait for him to wake to make sure he was okay no matter what he had done, or to whom.

* * *

He woke up a long time late. She looked down at him and smiled when he touched her leg to indicate that he was awake.

She put another piece of popcorn into her mouth and chewed before she spoke. She said, "good evening Severus, you've slept long. I know it wasn't peaceful, but I do hope you felt restful now."

"Where did the popcorn come from?" he asked. He sat up and looked down at him arms, at the clean, white bandages on them.

Then he looked at her and the wide, knowing smile on her face.

He put a hand gingerly to his face where he knew scratches were and took his fingers away from it with a little ointment on them, then his eyes went back to her.

She ate some more popcorn before she said, "It came from the store. I was a sight to every strict, rigid mother around and fascination to every child appease."'

"I would believe so," he commented dryly and even before he could say anything else she said, "and just so you know I did a fabulous job and clearly disregarding what you told me about going anywhere near your face. You're all taken care of and everything is alright if I do say so myself."

She rendered him speechless, she knew even though he didn't say anything.

"What happened?" he asked. He laid back down but didn't close his eyes.

"Nothing," she shrugged, not really understanding what he was saying, but when it hit her she understood, but didn't show it.

"You slept the whole t-"

"No, last night. You care to explain?"

She knew he had a look directed on her, she didn't have to look. She wanted him yo not know but it was so hard to keep anything from him. He seemed to make everything his business.

She shrugged and ate another piece, marked her place in the book and set it aside. "Like any other night I was waiting for you to go to bed. You know that." She hated feeling like she had to explain herself.

"You left so a brute yesterday, you were passed out drunk on my couch and now you can't even look me in the eyes."

Her blood boiled. He made everything sound like it was her fault. He knew his cause and what it took for her to swallow what she worked for and what she believed in.

"Yesterday, or should I say last night you were summoned. What was I supposed to do, sit around and act like everything is okay? Everything isn't okay, and I question myself everyday why I don't do anything about it and why I turn a blind eye." She exploded, now she could look at him and see that he did not engage her reaction. He showed nothing to give away, as always but he said, "Then why don't you do something about it?"

"Because I believe in you. I think you know what you are doing and will make it happen."

"What is that?" he went on as if she wasn't spilling out the truth of her heart.

"Your happiness," she said.

"So if I make mine you should be making yours."

"I am," she lied. She knew what she was doing was digging a hole where she would not see the light again.

"If you were making yours you'd be smiling in that goofy way that takes away the attention from your hair."

It wasn't an insult, it was a compliment and she caught it. She thought about it for a moment then bounced up so she was on her legs, her hands on her thighs. She leaned a little bit over so she could tower over him. She said, "You like my smile." She smiled.

"Did I say that?" he offered mutually. He yawned tired. The two of them didn't do anything all day so they both felt tired out of sheer laziness.

"You did actually. You notice when I don't smile. I like that. It makes me realize that I have to smile more often."

"Hm."

She won a battle, but wouldn't gloat about it.

"So tell me about your night, your, you know," she shrugged.

He gave her a look as if she was pushing her luck in every way. She caught on so she back peddled. "Okay, well," she lay down to look up at the ceiling and asked, "did you see my aunt? She's," she held up air-quotes, "Missing."

He reached up and put her hands down. "Well you are correct," he held one of her hands in the same kind of grip he did when she did not want him to go. He looked at her nails and the way he moved his fingers drove her crazy. She was afraid to speak because she might stutter.

When he just held it up she gained some courage and voice to say, "Where do you thinks he is?"

"I don't know. Why do you bite your nails most recently?" he asked distracted by her hand. He moved his fingers across them again and she was afraid to answer. She was, from that alone getting turned on. She was afraid that he would pull her over and she would go and do something. She had to take her hand away.

She pulled away lightly and still felt the feel of his fingers on hers. She was able to say, "I've always bitten my nails. You forget I'm a Metamorphmangus and can cover it up just by thought alone." She looked at the stubs that used to be nice and painted or just plain nice.

"Then why haven't you?" he asked. He searched for her hand again and found it. He pulled it out, checked them out again but she took her hand away sharply and turned on her side. "I just haven't alright!"

"You're telling me that you're having problems again? Isn't it?" he questioned terminally.

She shrugged. She didn't want to admit it even if it was true. She lied and said, "No, I just get lazy and don't care anymore." She regretted saying it because he saw her faults way before anyone else did.

"How come?"

She draped an arm across her face to hide anything that might be seen. She hated how this was turning around into something didn't want to talk about. She said, "You're asking all those questions again, the ones I don't want to answer." She wiped her face with the back of her arm and kept it there. She didn't cry but instead it was from force of habit because of how she felt and handled coping.

"You come to me with your problems and expect me to help and yet you won't say anything." He turned on his side and leaned over her with one arm over her to pull her closer to him.

"I didn't say I wanted your help." She put her hand on top of his, the one from her face and put her fingers between his to lace them together. She said, "I just want you to be there for me when I need you."

"I'm only here for one more week," he whispered, "Then what are you going to do?"

"Just be there for me, for the week, that's all."

"Then let me make one small suggestion," he added.

She nodded her head weakly to encourage him to continue.

"I won't hold anything back and neither should you either."

She couldn't answer that because the dual conflict in her head told her that she was going to cross the ultimate line with him to where there was no return. And then what was she going to do?

She couldn't tread in deep water though she currently waded in the shallow end.

* * *

Monday morning she went to work like clockwork. Yesterday was a good day. She had dinner with him that night and then went to bed. Nothing happened. She knew that even though he didn't say it that he wanted her to make the first move. She knew that would be hard but she had her moments when she took control and started it. She wasn't proud of it, but she did it to feel wanted by a man, even if they didn't feel the same way that she did. It was all about how she felt.

"Good morning my sunshine on a Monday morning, or not," she stopped when she caught stride and the look on his face. "What is wrong?" she questioned.

"Long weekend," was all he said. She took her usual seat on his desk while he sat and rubbed madly at his face and leaned back with his eyes closed.

"That bad? What happened?" she asked taking a concern for her 'best friend in the whole wide world'. She always opened up to him, whether he liked it or not. Now maybe he could open up to her.

"I had a date."

She almost fell off his desk. She was clumsy and being caught off guard didn't help with it.

She never thought he'd date again or at all. She "heard" well pried out of a few people that he was married once to a very beautiful woman who took care of children. And the stories were different, but they all end the same that she was killed by someone dangerous and they were never caught.

But it was well over ten years ago.

She nodded her head a few times. "So what was wrong with it? The date?" she asked.

His eyes popped out with that 'are you serious?' look. He said, "I was ready to apparate to China leaving her to imagine what happened."

"So she was Muggle?" she asked already knowing the answer.

"Yes, but she has a small daughter that is starting Hogwarts next week."

Just one week and he would be gone. She felt the pang in her heart.

"So she knows about-"

"No, not really so I had to act casual until she started talking about eh Daily Prophet. I was happy that she could learn something about our world. She talked on and on about Bellatrix Lestrange and how courageous and brilliant she was hoping her daughter was placed in Slytherin, just like her idol."

Tonks grimaced and shook her head. "The woman was crazy anyways. You'll find someone sane one day." She tried to reassure, but neither brought it. Even if she could convince him of it there was no way in hell that she could convince herself. She couldn't handle nor control her own relationships.

"Well if you can't find someone maybe we can get married one day," she offered off the top of her head. Before he could inject she continued, "Wipe that look off your face, but really. If we cant find anyone in life then we should get married and be together. We'd be good for each other," she finished totally in love with her idea.

He smiled. "Now you turned my Monday around. I'll accept that because you are right."

"I know I always am," she smiled brightly in a jerk kind of manner. "But besides that what else is wrong? What made your weekend a disaster?"

Off the top of her head she could think of a million things that made her weekend a disaster.

"Death Eater stamped in the looks for Bellatrix Lestrange in Petridge-"

Where your date was?"

"That's not the point," he shut her down. "They as much as we are looking for her. Something is really out of place, and let's just hope we are the first ones to figure it out."

Tonks thought about how she brought it up with Severus Snape and he passed it off as something not of concern. Then again he was more concerned in her and she was thinking about the feeling she didn't want to think about.

Maybe it was nothing serious and she smarted-up and left town, the country, the planet. Maybe she finally realized that she had better leave before somebody got fed up and really caught her and her indestructible behavior and silly games.

"You're smiling, what is going on in that brain of yours?" Kingsley asked her and she immediately snapped out of her realm of thoughts.

"I was just thinking that everyone is taking this out of proportion and that she's gone. You should all be happy and move on."

"You really don't like your family, do you?" he acknowledged knowingly.

"No, I don't. I better actually get something done today before I'm once again the center of controversy, which seems to always circle me." She hopped down and he said, "Your exit out of this room will be controversy enough."

She mockingly flipped him the bird. "I'm going to ignore that and still love you."

"I love you too."

She went to her desk and pushed the Daily Prophet aside; afraid another story would be about her and pulled some parchment over and pulled out a quill and wrote a simple message:

_We should hang out together soon. Write me back._

_ -Your favorite cousin_

She mailed it out and set forth for the day.

* * *

By the end of the day, right before her shift ended she received a message back. It said:

_Friday. I'm alone. Come then. Don't let anyone know. Bring cigarettes._

The message wasn't signed, but she knew who it was from. She liked that she was able to communicate with her cousin, but no one could know.

She forgot to mention their 'favorite aunt' and would make an effort to remember to ask him.


	14. Just Gotta Let It Go

Chapter 14

With the week starting out good, the thoughts of two people's departures on her heart were still light. They didn't leave until the end of the week which was still quite a few days off.

After another day of work she returned to her empty apartment; empty _hot_ apartment. It was so unbearable to deal with. She put on some shorts and a tank and made her hair real short and brown. She wanted nothing to hang down and stick to her neck.

She grabbed something expired to eat and left. There was nothing for her to do there and the place held no comfort. It just felt dark and lonesome so she didn't want to be there. She felt those feelings inside of her already and to just be smothered in them wasn't comfortable at all.

She walked down the street with the enormous, dark clouds of an upcoming storm following her. In her mind she felt she always had those kinds of clouds hanging around.

She strolled casually until an old woman with a walker and small shopping cart stopped the Auror in her tracks.

A muggle, old woman at that she pointed in her face and said, "you're suspicious. If you try to take my purse I will run you over with my shopping cart."

Tonks rolled her eyes and smirked. "If I wanted to be a fashion mistake I'd snatch it right out your wrinkled hands."

She walked away, but it wasn't helping. It wasn't doing anything for her and she wanted to talk to someone and have someone understand how she was feeling.

And there was the perfect person.

She apparated to the Burrow and saw the twins, Ron and Chalee practicing Quidditch in the yard.

Charlie!

She hadn't seen him since school and he still looked the same only he was built and darker.

"Hey Head Boy! I'm out past curfew cut-off!" she shouted out to the boys catching all their attention.

Charlies broom zoomed down to the ground where it was tossed aside as she ran at him and he picked her up off her feet.

"You're back from Romania!" she exclaimed when they broke apart.

"Just back to visit mom," he said, "but that doesn't mean I can't hang out and get a drink with my favorite trouble maker."

"I know that's not me," she joked, "because I'm an angel. I was the quietest, most nicest- okay that was me, but that was because you were so straight laced and demanding."

"You were trouble, you know that." He smirked.

"Hey! You know who is going to be Head Boy and Head Girl this year?"

He shook his head and said, "I just came in today, I don't even know all your drama yet. Tell me who, I may even know them."

"Yeah, you sure do," she put mildly putting her arm through his so they could walk around the yard. She told him, "Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger."

"What!" he stopped her. "You can't be serious! Why would Albus Dumbledore do that? He can't be serious."

"Now Mr. Gryffindor don't pop a nut. You don't understand the simplicity of it all. They operate-"she put a hand over his mouth containing his outburst and continued, "on different spectrums of the the spectrum of good and bad. It will be different and unique to say the least. So don't yell to me about it and don't spit on my hand."

She took her hand away.

He wanted to say something else but she threatened to put her hand back up and he just grinned and pulled a lock of pink hair.

"So why is your hair so plain and boring?" he asked.

"Why does everyone think I'm supposed to be weird all the time?"

He slugged an arm around her shoulders and said, "It's expected with a name like-"

She gave him 'the threatening hand up in the air, only this time she was going to back hand him' look.

"-Yours."

She went in to see Mrs. Weasley, the one she came to see in the first place.

"Wotcher Molly," she called brightly and walked into the kitchen where she could feel the bright, gentle, motherly kindness the woman seemed to be always filling up. She knew this to be that one of her other son's was back in the house once more, even for just a short time.

"Hello dear. What brings you around?"

"A visit," she said casually and leaned against the counter.

Molly smiled with a look out of the corner of her eye. "You must be hungry?"

"Starved," she was automatic to answer before she could catch herself, but she was quick to add, "but I'm going to help you cook."

"No you are not dear," she tried to be nice, "so sit down and tell me how it's been going."

She knew what that meant, life without Remus around. Oh, if she knew what was really going on she's really be shocked and let that mothering instinct take over.

So telling the complete truth was out of the question. She'd only tell her the littlest, tiniest parts.

"Everything is expected, you know. And besides, "she chuckled a fake chuckle, "I have the drama of work to take the focus off of everything. Luckily now it's calmer so you know by Arthur, anything can brew up and take its place. And nothing is making me the center of attention, so you know that's good for me, but it will go-"

"You're babbling dear," Mrs. Weasley said knowing with a wooden spoon in her hand to make her look threatening when she wasn't the least bit at all; only when it came to her sons.

"I am aren't I?" she flattened under the matronly woman, who she came to pour her heart out to in the first place.

She set the pot to cook and took a seat next to Tonks. "Tell me what is going on?"

She looked into the older woman's eyes and knew that she could tell her anything so she did. She poured out her heart about the man she missed and the accusations at work of making her look like something she never would be.

She did not mention Snape. She was not ready for that to fly over, well, because it wouldn't.

She received great advice, but the honesty was that it wasn't what she wanted to hear. She wanted an invisible okay to do what she was going to do. She was wasn't going to get it. She would never get anything she wanted.

Tonks loved the Weasley family. They were the true definition of family in all fun and drama. All her sons and one daughter were crazy and exciting; stories around the table were great.

And just the chance to talk a little 'smack' about her co-workers with Mr. Weasley made her happy to know that she wasn't the only one who couldn't stand half of the people they worked with. There were so many people that she just wanted to shake and question what they were working there in the first place.

It was fun to be welcomes and made to feel warm and fuzzy inside.

At the bar, like the alcoholic she knew she was, she enjoyed her time with Charlie, catching up and reminiscing of old school days. And there was also what their old school mates were doing now. Some of them were a bit of a shocker.

"But Charlie, I never expected for Beth-Ann and Zebric to get married, let alone date. They were so different, nothing like what I have with Sev- nothing like what I have going on."

Too much alcohol in her system and she was cursed herself for the slip up. She mentally kicked herself because nothing got past this kid and she knew it alright. She'd never live it down.

He stopped the glass before it came to his lips. He turned from comforting friend to cold comfort/tough love friend. She knew it was now going to turn into something.

"Now I've been gone a long time and I know every single member of the order and I know names, like that," he snapped his finger. "And," whatever he was going to say died before it reached his lips. He switched directions, "Please say you are not serious." He watched her face and she just picked up her glass and took a sip.

In that moment she felt like she lost her best friend.

He didn't say anything else and it made her bark out quickly, "Say something to me."

"I can't tell you how to run your life, but let me ask you something, okay! What about Remus? When he comes back what is he going to think of this? This astrosphere!"

"Whatever the hell he wants. You know this is the second time that he has left me. I don't want to hear that he cares because I know that he doesn't. If he did he wouldn't leave all the time. I'm tired of fighting one way battles which I can't win."

Bullshit Tonks! The man cares more about you more than himself! He is busting his ass out there to make life easier for you!"

"Not me." She shoved from the table and stood, knocking her chair from table and to the ground. "And how the hell would you know? You're not here, you're halfway in 'God knows where.' So if you want to know about my relationships and analyze that know what the fuck is going on first before yelling at me." She pulled a coin out of her pocket and slammed it onto the table.

"I have work in the morning; don't leave without saying goodbye to me first." And she walked out and into pouring rain quickly apparating.

She landed in the dark living room and just in the nick of time. A loud rumble of thunder rumbled across the sky. She ran a hand through her short hair and kicked off her shoes.

She went upstairs to where he was sitting in bed reading. He lowered the book and they locked eyes. "Let me ask you something. Do you know a man by the name Tommy Cruz?"

She had to think about it. It did sound familiar, but at the same time vague.

"Um, what does he look like?" She crawled onto the bed and sat cross legged facing him, her hands under her chin.

"Five-five, dark hair, scar slashing his mouth like someone wanted him to be quiet and he wasn't-"

"Don't even," she cut in, "But I don't think I know who that is. Am I supposed to?"

"You, probably not, but Kingsley Shacklebolt should in his best interest." He was serious to give something away, but nothing at the same time.

"Why, what's going on?" What's going on that I should be prepared for?"

"You know the price; I'll exchange it for some information of yours. Plus, it's about him, not you."

"I'll have to nip this away to him. I can't possibly tell him something because he'll want to know where I got my information from."

"You could lie- or not. You're pretty bad at it."

She picked a nail in her lap refraining from punching him. He was taking shots where there was a very serious matter at hand.

"Anyways, I agree, so tell me about your mate here, Tommy Cruz."

"No one I know just heard referenced. He was said to be paid off to take down people who are wise and well aware of themselves. It's a game to him and he is paid good."

"So how do you know that he's after him?" she asked. She took the book he had started reading, that she and started the other day, and to the part he stopped at and saw that he was way past her.

It's from a list of names which your friend occupies the top now since other's have failed."

"Me right?" She indicated herself which he did not find amusing. He was one of the losing side after all.

"How do I know what to tell him, what to be prepared for?"

"You don't. Wanted posters will come up and he'll know that he'll be on guard."

"So that's it then? What's the point in telling me that then if he'll know?"

"I told you he'll be targeted."

She looked at him dubiously. He always found a way for everything to work in his favor.

"Well what do you want to know?" she asked. She closed the book shut and used it as something to just hold in her hands.

"Three Aurors of the Ministry are going to be well off in Knockturn Ally Thursday night. I want to know where."

"This alliance we have is in no way in affect to harm other people. I will not harm people I care about," she barked. She went to get off the bed, but he grabbed her wrist to keep her in place. She stared back at him mincingly.

"Relax Nymphadora, I would do nothing to compromise your "friends". I simply want to know where not to be Thursday night."

She knew that they, the people who were supposed to know knew exactly what they wanted them to know. They, or even just him didn't know exactly what was totally going on.

She gave him sage advice. "Don't be there and you'll be fine, easy as that."

"What? I'm supposed to not just show up and for reasons unexplained?"

"Yeah, tell them you caught sight of realization; that you were better than that and grew to a responsible human being."

"You think I take shots at you, you have your very own opinion of what my life should be- well let's keep that to yourself."

"But you can?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered back modestly.

She smirked sarcastically. She put the book to the side and crawled onto his lap with both hands on his face and kissed him hard on the mouth. He returned it back just as forcefully. He leaned back bringing her with him, the kisses getting fiercer until her brain clicked in and started working.

"No, no, no I can't," she moved away bringing her knees to her chest with arms around them.

"Why can't you?" he asked. She heard the frustration in his voice and knew that it was because she strung him along in her own little game.

"I don't know! I'm just confused! I don't know what to think, what to feel. I don't know."

"If you don't let things go and take opportunities you are going to have nothing."

"I know! I know!" she exclaimed with hands open. She returned to her closed off position avoiding his eyes.

He reached out and took hold of her arm and with her light weight he had her over to him and put her back on his lap. Both arms went around her and he kissed her neck sending chills through her.

"It's easy to give in," he whispered, the brush of his breath on the nape of her neck was where he kissed her again two more times and made her squirm.

"I know, but I don't think I am the one who can do that." She moved forward before the closeness was way too much for her.

He moves away onto his side and laid down where she sat on "her" side feeling guilty and abandoned.

"You're mad," she said to him as she watched his back.

"I know what I am Nymphadora, I wish you knew already what you were feeling. You better decide quickly for you surely know that time is running out."

"I know. Believe me I've been thinking about it every day. You don't think I know how screwed up I am because I know it all; knew it all along."

"Get rid of past baggage and start something new-find someone new."

"You don't think I think about that consistently. I know I am very-" she took the light summer throw and wrapped it around herself. She felt more secure and not all that exposed.

"very what?" he curled up his legs and she realized that he was probably chilly so she scooted closer and used some of the blanket to cover his legs.

"Lost alright! I'm lost. I've never had emotional feelings like these before to deal with."

"You better figure it out quickly," he said, "I've had my own so far and if you continue in my bed for the duration of time, you will see my 'emotional feelings.'

"Not tonight, please," she begged.

He sat up and took her down with him. He put the blanket over the both of them.

She turned around and kissed his cheek before laying back down. "You give me too many chances, thank you."

She fell asleep in his arms wondering why she just didn't let go. He didn't care that she was waiting for him, that he was off not caring that she was lonely. She didn't know why Severus wanted her and he knew who she was involved with. She wanted Remus, but she really wanted him too.

Only one of them was around.

Only three more chapters left. Thank you all for reading my story. I hope you all enjoy the rest.


	15. One Thing Still Remains

Chapter 15

Nymphadora Tonks woke up miserable. All night she had boughts of dreams of indecisions, choices and dread. The dread wasn't from the dreams. As of the recent time it came because she used to love her job and now she dreaded going in everyday, afraid she would be accused, but untimately fired and disregarded of having fact. They would never believe her having the media an outlet for their answers when it would never get the facts right.

She got oyut of bed quietly to let him continue to sleep and crept out to get ready for work. He looked so peaceful when he slept that she could almost see where an invisible mask fell into place in his waking life.

The young woman arrived with a piece of toast she saw her friend instantly and hurried to catch up with her favorite person.

"Hey sunshine," she greeted.

"You actually have breakfast, and not something that will rot out your teeth," he said out of the corner of his mouth.

"I know," she bit into the toasted bread, "an unbelievable fleet for me, huh? You want a bite?"

"No thank you."

"Suit yourself. We get to investigate that little town again. Aren't you excited to be checking out nothing!" she said with fake enthusiasm.

"I wouldn't say _nothing_, your friend Hestia Jones has confirmation sightings of our newest wanted man Tommy Cruz." He unrolled the parchment to show the wanted poster of the handsome looking man. She knew all about him already because of Severus Snape. She remembered his words about him tracking her best friend and was glad to see that she wouldn't have to tell him anything because she was assigned as well to check out the small town. She would help Kingsley and bring him in so he couldn't hunt him or anyone else anymore.

"So tell me something," she stated while they walked the streets, "what makes a guy interested in a girl? I can speak for my fellow woman, but from a boy's perspective, what do you think?"

"You're asking me a question you should be asking your girlfriends, not me who cannot give you an answer without feeling ridiculous." Even saying the statement he still kept a straight face.

"Please, you are not insecure. Besides, you like me. I have so many more boys than girls as friends. Just tell me. I am not going to laugh or make fun of you."

"I know that, but I'm much more interested in what you have to say."

Her hands went to her hips and she narrowed her eyes at him. "You complain I talk too much, now you want me to talk?" She crossed her arms then and cocked her head to the side.

"It's too quiet." They dodged an old couple. The woman looked at Tonks but that was it. No one talked. No one was friendly like small town folks were supposed to be. And there were a lot of folks on their way.

"I should approach someone and start talking to them until they are totally freaked out by me."

"Eleven o' clock. You could look and see Tommy Cruz who totally has the hots for you," he said so low she had to keep still to hear him correctly.

She saw the handsome man just sitting outside a store front. He thought he was sly and unnoticeable. He looked like he was very relaxed. And yes, he was checking her out.

She knew he was watching him though. He was eyeing Kingsley to make the attack, but Kingsley didn't know it. And why she just didn't tell him something made her feel like a bad friend. She knew he'd question the information where about, but she could try to lie her way around it.

"Or maybe he has the hots for you," Tonks hinted, "besides we're in daylight, we have to lure him to someplace inconspicuous. There are too many people around; rude people but people non-the-same."

"Keep in my league," he said and with a hand on her lower back he guided her away and toward three shop fronts where there was a more cover.

"You sure he'll fo- he's gone." She whispered with a glance back over her shoulder. He moved fast. She was taken aback. It looked like the guy was going to give them a run for their money.

They both took a defensive position back to back when the man jumped down from a slated roof.

"Kingsley Shacklebolt and Nymphadora Tonks in the flesh, how very awarding for me." The heavy accent made him sound alluring instead of threatening. One idea floated around in her mind, he was not caught already because of his allure, it was a sure thing she knew he had.

"Your accent is very appeasing, but darling the only award today will be you at my feet begging for mercy." Tonks said knowing that she tended to ramble sometimes when the adrenaline started pumping. It wasn't going to be something easy to handle.

The man smirked and drew his wand with the two already armed and ready.

"Don't hold back, you know?" he said and the battle started with Kingsley taking to the east and Tonks taking to the west. They took him on either side following along with his spell to their spells. He was fast, but they were much faster.

Cruz shot a spell at a shop and dropped debris which was not easy to dodge. But both came to terms and followed the man who started running away like he was all talk. People at least knew to get out of the way, and most hid in buildings which gave Tonks some relief.

He shouted a binding spell that caught Tonks from the belly up.

"Damn it!" she shouted when they took off past her in a pursuit of spells that destroyed quite a lot of property.

They came back her way with the turn of Tommy's back he shot a strong spell of strong proportions that caused a blast in the alley like an explosion which made her lose sight of Kingsley.

"Kingsley!" she shouted again and again.

The guy came back storming, not paying attention, so with the ability of her legs she extended one and clipped him and he fell flat on his face.

A spell was shot from the ally where he came running from and he was knocked out cold.

She managed the counter curse on herself somehow and rushed to Kingsley where her hand went to her mouth and covered there. She had to get help- she had to save her friend.

"I got him," he said and passed out.

- She got him to St. Mungos and was asked to wait for them to take care of him in the waiting room. Her ADD kicked in strongly and she found herself to be pacing back and forth, slowly aggravating the attendant who took names and information. She clenched her quill tightly before shouting at Tonks. "Ma'am, can you please sit down. Until there is an update you should return to work and whatever- anything to get you out of here!"

"I am not leaving him. He's my best friend. I will be here until someone tells me that I can go see him. Until that moment I am going to pace, tap my foot and bite my nails."

Tonks wasn't sure what the lady said after that because she resumed her impatients making grooves in the floor. She knew for sure that the lady was counting down the hours until she was able to go home.

A long time later she saw an attendant come in and get her to her feet and lead her to Kingsley and left alone. He was half awake and half asleep. He was probably on something that made the pain a minimum. She hoped he wasn't in any pain at all. If he was, she herself would make sure to fix that.

She brought a chair over to his bed and took his large hand into her small, by comparison hands. She would stay with him as long as she could.

He got the man so he was victorious. She had to thank Severus because if it wasn't for him then the job would've been a lot more difficult because knowing he was a target made it easier.

She woke up when it was dark outside to a medi-witch checking on him. He was still out of it, only now his eyes were completely closed. She excused herself to go and write two letters: one to work and one to Severus Snape.

The one for work explained their current situation and what happened which emphasized on how they caught Tommy Cruz.

Her letter to Severus Snape said:

To you,

I'm with the one we discussed. He's at the hospital and he hasn't woken up yet. He got him before he got him. He he. (Sounds good when you say it aloud.) I won't be able to be see you tonight. Will have to give up the nice warm bed and person in it for a hard, uncomfortable chair at bedside. Maybe I can get a neck massage. *wink*

You can write me back anytime between now and my work day. If not that's fine because I will see you tomorrow.

From Me

She made sure both letters went to the correct locations, twice, and went back to his room where he was up. At least that's what it looked like to her.

"Good morningz szleepy head," she mimicked a French accent, "how wuz your sleep?"

He crinkled his face like he was thinking then turned normal when he said, "It's night, and as I recall I was unconscious." He patted the spot next to him, "Come tell me what happened."

She went over and somehow fit in sitting next to him and told him everything that went on, even her 'tired battle' with the attendee who didn't like her pacing or nervous fidgeting.

"She just wanted to go home; I mean if I had to watch a rainbow I'd want to go too." He messed with her.

"I just want you to go home. When will that be?" she asked. She saw the bandage on his wand hand and knew that he would hold down his desk even if he couldn't write.

"I'm free to leave in the morning my medi-wizard demand. I feel fine; they don't want you here anymore." He smirked and moved his injured hand. She didn't know what else was injured.

"I heal quickly."

"You always heal quickly, and are very strong about it as well," she said. She took his wrapped hand on her knees and with her wand used it to write her name on the bandages.

"Hey remember your first day in training and you couldn't stand me."

"You thought that? It wasn't that I couldn't stand you it was just that I thought you were riding me harder than the others. When Friday came I didn't waste any time in flying out of there." She remembered it so clearly that it made her laugh. She remembered something else and said, "Remember you were mad at me because I knew what the chunk of baseball bat was and you didn't, so I took it to Arthur and left for the day."

"I remember that clearly, but you forget to continue with what happened next."

She rolled her eyes to the left and crossed her arms with pursed lips. "Nothing happened after that. We all lived happily ever after, the end."

"Alright, well since your memory is blocked I'll have to recount it then." He laid back more comfortably. She saw no matter how strong he was, and the one hundred ten percent he put out in image he was with some pain.

He said, "When I found your desk empty I went in personally looking for you in town complaining about me. I walked right into your conversation an pulled you out of there. You remained at that desk for another week. I knew you were bored and restless because you wanted to gorge your own eye out with your wand."

She burst out laughing. "I never thought you were that observant besides with your scornful eyes but you are correct."

"You seem to miss the fact that I am always correct," he said.

"That's why you're my best friend." She said knowing that it would never change. Other things changed in her life, there were hard decisions, but him as her friend would never change no matter what.


	16. It's Not Your Own Advice

Chapter 16

She slept in the chair all night and doing so was murder on her back. She felt stiff from her neck all the way to her lower back. Kingsley was right in saying that she should've gone instead of sleeping in the chair.

Even so, she told him that she wasn't going to leave him. Even if it was too much for her she would do it every day in the hospital until she knew for sure that he was well and was going home.

And unlike last year with his true dedication to return to work the next day (she knew clearly that she would never have that dedication) they wouldn't let him and demanded that he return on Friday. She didn't tell him, but she was glad that he wasn't working. Every once in a while he just needed to give his body a rest.

She on the other hand had to go to work and endure the "It's Thursday, not Friday but almost Friday day of the week." It just wasn't going to be a good day. It was going to be a long, tedious one since there was paperwork to be done and the absence of her friend.

The day wasn't too bad. She didn't receive any response from him though she didn't expect too. Charlie was leaving on Friday and he wanted her there along with his family to see him off.

She would go see him and have her own final word with him about the situation that she was desperately trying to control.

Later on, after checking on Kingsley she went home and put on pajama pants and a t-shirt she found through all her dirty clothes. She went over to the sofa without a second thought and crashed into sleep.

She woke up later onto the heat being too unbearable. She drank some water and ate some food before leaving. She wanted to see him early that night, but upon getting there she found that he wasn't. He didn't leave a note so she waited. She waddled the time away until she eventually fell asleep from heat exhaustion even though she did no exertion of energy.

She hated the heat and its heavy haze that it casted down.

Friday morning she woke up in bed with Severus. It was seven and time to go to work once again. There was no time to stay in bed and do anything. She sat up in her own sweat and pulled her hair back.

"What happened last night?" she asked, feeling a thick knot in her neck once more.

"Had to take care of something that was a complete waste of time when I could have been in bed doing something that wasn't." He sat up behind her and moved her hair away from her neck and then kissed her there.

She turned around and straddled him and pushed him down. She went down with him and kissed him fiercely before rolling off and getting to her feet. She smiled at him. "You missed all the fun last night. Maybe tonight?" She winked, gave a short wave and disappeared.

She went home and dressed for work fast and went into the kitchen to grab something for breakfast when a rolled up parchment and flowers caught her eye on the counter by the sink.

She looked at the flowers and enjoyed their beauty, then to the parchment and unrolled it. She saw one simple message, read:

I cannot come back to you, find someone who loves you.

She chuckled a hysterical chuckle. It had to be wrong. It couldn't be correct. She read it wrong. She didn't have breakfast yet. It couldn't say that, it just couldn't.

She read it again, and again and again not believing it; not believing that it was real and it was happening again.

Her breathing became ragged, her lips pouted and tears welled up in her eyes. She would not cry. She kept shaking her head back and forth until everything caught up with her and sunk in and she grew mad. She picked up the flowers and threw them against the wall again and again until they slumped in a heap on the floor.

The parchment was torn up into a thousand little pieces and with her wand she burned away both of them until they were both just time pieces of ash.

She grabbed some bread just as it was and went to work ready to work and act as if nothing was wrong at all, even though it was a screwed up situation completely.

"Morning Friday morning," Tonks said to Kingsley.

He looked tired but he was always so strong.

"Isn't that the truth?" he said. He looked like he was keeping an eye on her. She knew he could sense something wrong by the fakeness in her voice but she was going to try and keep it at just that.

She was going to try.

"How are you today?" she asked to put the attention on him, "are you in any pain? Did you sleep well yesterday?"

"No, I am in no pain. I heal quickly. With a positive attitude and Tommy Cruz behind bars I could've been back yesterday."

"There's that positive spirit I lack for this job half the time." She lamely whooped a hand through the air.

"You'll get it one day, but until then just keep an eye out for it."

She nudged him and he nudged her back.

Arthur rushed up to them and hurled them together.

"Plans have been changed, they will be discussed tonight."

Tonks glared off to the side too long and walked away from them to her desk and put her head down on her arms because she knew that she couldn't control that she might cry. Of course it wasn't about her, it was about him. She decided right there that she wasn't going to go. It would only embarrass herself in public. She knew eventually she was going to cry a lot, she just didn't want to do it in public, in front of a million people who'd want to ask a million questions and judge.

"Hey Tonks do you-"

She sat up quickly and stood just as quick. "I have to leave. I don't want to be here today. I'll use my sick time, I don't know, I'll just-"Kingsley reached out and grabbed her wrists. "Tonks, you have to calm down. Sit down and tell me what's going on."

She sat down with him controlling her wrists. She looked off to the side and sniffed back.

He leaned down. "Tonks tell me what's going on? Is someone in danger? Are you hurt in any way?"

She regained her posture so far and managed. She moved his hands away from hers. She produced her hair into long, green locks to hide in.

I'm fine, I'm just fine. Really. No one is hurt." She stood up. "I usually walk you to your desk, come on." She grabbed his hand and pulled him there where she took her customary seat on his desk and him in his chair.

She kept her calm. She spoke of light matters.

"I think I caught notice of a sign yesterday that they want people to sign up for guard on the kids of Hogswart on their Hogsmade trips. I'm going to do it. I want to make sure they are safe and that no one is committing the crimes I committed," she tried to laugh. It wasn't helping. She felt herself slipping. She closed her mouth and stilled her hand from drumming on his desk which she hadn't even realized she was doing.

"Tonks," Kingsley drawled.

"What?" she drawled her eyes going to something on his desk and not on him.

"Please." One word. One command and one knife that cut through her resolve. She crumbled. She put a hand over her mouth to hide the pucker that her lips pouted. She couldn't stop it. She cried quietly as she could. Her hand shook. Her eyes, red, watered.

"I can't, I can't," she stammered, "I can't speak." She cried.

She knew she was making too much noise, and if she sat with him any longer she'd break down completely and howl.

"I have to get to work." She got up and he grabbed her wrist. She didn't look at him. She knew what he was going to say and she didn't want to lie to his face.

But he did let go and knew what he knew she was going to do. Leave.

You know when everyone is gone. Please." She begged.

"I will do anything for you," he said.

She left a note and every precautious that needed to be done to take a sick day and left. She went home to a note on the table. She knew who it was from so she went upstairs and changed out of her work robes and went back downstairs. Nothing could be said that would make her feel any worse than she already did.

She picked up the parchment and it said: Flow directly to my room. No one will be here the whole day.

She pocketed cigarettes. She had like seven left and hadn't smoked for well over a week. She'd just give them to him. If he wanted more she'd make him go to the store and buy some and while he looked out of place and uncomfortable she'd secretly be laughing.

She took the blanket her mother made her too. She would give him it to take to school, if he would. They were just starting to establish that they were family and didn't need to feel that they hated each other.

With the floo powder in her hand she said, "Draco Malfoy's Bedroom," and quickly found herself in his bedroom and him asleep under a dark forest green blanket. She could barely see the back of his head.

It was time to get up. It was well into the morning. She had a glit in her eyes and belly flopped right onto the bed and right on top of him scaring the crap out of him until he recognized that it was her in long, green hair.

"Good morning," she sing-songed to the messy haired Slytherin she finally redeemed her cousin again.

"Go to hell," he said and turned over and covered himself up completely.

She fake gasped eyes wide and mouth hanging open; even though he couldn't see it. She rolled over to lie on his legs and let hers hang off the bed.

"You know we don't hate each other," she told him.

"We don't?" he mumbled agitated and tired; like she was disturbing his 'beauty sleep.'

"No, we have people who tell us to hate each other, but we're family whether we like it or not."

"I don't," he said.

"You're just trying to piss me off," she said and at that moment had rather felt pissed off than sad. It was better to deal with anger than sadness.

"If it will make you shut up then yes," he said, pulled the blanket away and looked down at her. She knew he was messing with her. He was very paranoid after the incident that happened the previous week. She was too, but it wasn't going to keep her away from a family member that she didn't have before.

"You're an ass, I don't talk too much."

"We'll just ignore everything, everyone's said about you." He said it so seriously it reminded her of Snape, his Godfather.

She wondered what he was going to say, or feel when she didn't show up. She really wanted to be there, but she had a broken heart and didn't want that to be a reason for anything.

"You sound like your Godfather," she said. She tossed the blanket to him. "Here, take this to school with you."

"Why?"

"Because I gave it to you, that's why."

"Hm." He took it in his hands and felt the texture of the different stitches.

"So," she said to change the topic, "How's your little girlfriend?" She remembered the owl that dropped the letter to him one time. "She was all with the 'Draco, I love you so much. I miss you and-"

"You keep that up and I will say something about that werewolf," he shoved the thought at her not knowing the full extent of them at all.

She felt a pain settle in her stomach and the release of the dam, but she willed it all down and kept it there.

"What's with that ugly look?" he demanded harshly, "did he do something to you?"

"It's nothing to worry about now, it's over anyways." She shrugged hands on her cheeks, elbows on her knees.

He sat just like her except he kept his hands in his lap. Their 'cousinship' was still very new.

"Doesn't mean that there isn't still hell to pay."

"Just leave it, okay cuz. I'm done with it." She wiped her eyes. She was crying again without catching it first.

He mumbled a few choice words and let the subject go.

"So tell me about what you've been doing? You're leaving for school so I won't be able to see you until Hogsmade."

"I saw Granger that day," he said.

"On yeah?" she said, "How's she doing? You two are head boy and head girl this year. Are you excited about that?"

"You must be kidding right? This year will be a disaster."

"I said the same thing to someone." She laughed.

"Admit it, you never expected me to be Head Boy."

She laughed. "You never gave reason to be like that. Maybe she picked you, and maybe you should be kind to her this year."

He gave her a ridiculous look. "Don't push your luck." He got out of bed and started packing his things.

"Thought you had people for that kind of thing." She sprawled across his bed and watched. "Can you promise me something?"

He looked at her. "What?"

"Can you look out for Hermione Granger? For real. You know everything is getting crazier, so just do it. Please."

He just gave a small nod that ended that subject.

She watched him pack for a while and fell asleep somehow. She had the reminder about Charlie and after an exchange with her cousin she went to the Burrow and found them outside for the little get together.

She joined Charlie and the rest for a nice dinner. Afterwards she took a walk with Charlie.

"Its funny how one thing starts to crumble and then the whole thing follows suit."

"Did you figure out a resolve yet?" he asked.

"Damn, you're going to make me start crying and I've been doing that all day." She said stopping to wipe her eyes. All the crying she did all day was starting to take its toll and make her feel ill.

"What's wrong? I could sense the pink hippogriff in the room, or the outside, so what's going on?"

"Remus left me! He isn't coming back. He said I needed to find someone else to love me."

"Tonks you have to calm down enough to tell me what's going on." He used his thumbs to wipe her cheeks.

"Are you going to the Order Meeting tonight?" she asked him.

He shrugged. "My first one and probably last one for a while."

"I'm not going," she answered honestly.

"Why?" he asked confused. He went to wipe her eyes again but she stopped him because it would only make her cry way worst.

She remembered from the previous summer when she dug her nails into Severus's arm and begged him not to change the bandage on her face. She knew it would make her hysterical so she didn't let him anymore.

"I can't. I can't do it. I don't want to cry in front of everyone because you know the minute; no the bloody second that his name is mentioned all eyes will go to me. I can't have that shit. I know I will just lose it. You know everyone expects that shit from me. I can't do it. I'm just going to pass on that one."

"Whatever you want to do," he said to her.

She nodded and put her arms around him. "I am going to mi-"

"You are not leaving me yet. Since you got to tell me stories, I'm going to enlighten you on a story/advice- whichever way you want to put it."

She nodded and they broke away so she could put her arm through his and walk along.

"You will heal from this and I am not myself for saying this, but if that man makes you happy- though I can't understand why, then go for it. I want you to be happy. But if you aren't happy and fear danger, or I don't know, ANYTHING! Get in contact with me and I will help you. Trust me; I will help get that bastard."

"Thank you," she said.

She walked with him, and said goodbye before they got back to his childhood home and family.

The last chapter will be up soon. Thank you for reading.


	17. Just Your Own Foot Falls

Chapter 17

The young woman stumbled into the house at an hour she couldn't recognize on the grandfather clock in the hall- even though she stared at it for a while. It just would not click in. She went into the living room after that and saw Kingsley on the couch sitting up and asleep. His head was leaned back on the top of the couch making look very uncomfortable.

She tried to creep in quietly, but knew that wasn't even possible. She tripped over something, not knowing what, and went face first into the floor; no chance of catching her balance at all.

"How much did you drink tonight, Nymphadora?" he asked through the haze of sleep which made him sound cranky.

She scrunched her face up in concentration, lifted up a hand and showed him one finger. "Like this many-only this many."

"I'm sure of that," he said. He helped her onto the couch and leaned her straight against the back so she couldn't topple to the side and, or, strain her neck.

"While you were talking about bad things, bad people who do bad things to good people I was having a little party about me and it was fun and yeah!" She laughed.

"I can smell it quite clearly on you. You went overboard." He said as calmly as he could muster.

"That's not me, that's you," she poked him in the chest. "And, but maybe if it was me I'd tell you that I had my heart ripped out of my chest twice. Maybe just to numb the pain of shoving the pieces back together I drank a little rum, a little whisky and that's all. Only a little." She put up her fingers to show a little, but couldn't figure out what just a little was so she put her hand down.

"I know you have a broken heart right now, but you can't always hit the bottle every time you think about the bad situations."

"Wait, wait, wait. Yes, I can, uh…." In a pathetic attempt to make her statement bold she forgot his name.

She shook away the thoughts of trying to figure it out, and continued. She said, "I can do it, and you know what, it works. When I do it I forget all about it, and am a happy person for a moment. Now you want to take my happiness away from me?"

"No, that's not what I am doing at all. I've seen you come into work hung-over quite a lot lately. I think you need a better way to handle your problems. The pain will disappear. You'll move on and find someone new who'll care-"

She cut him off, voice threatening to choke up at any moment. "Someone else! And what! My other problems will automatically disappear like work! Nothing will change and if things started to look up they will most definitely crash down." She lost her resolve which she never really had. "Remus, he loved me, cared about me, then broke my heart. Then he came back, begged for my forgiveness and then did the same thing again. Again!"

He tried to calm her down but she was on a role and was not going to stop.

"And you know that old saying, 'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on….shame on….me." She lost her fight, burp of rum and cried into her hands.

He brought her to him and moved sweaty hair off her face.

"I'm a good person. I don't do bad things. Why can't good things happen to me? Why can't I find someone who won't leave me?"

"Maybe it hasn't happen yet. Your time will come. You just have to wait for it. Someone is out there for you. But for now just be single and focus on you and how you feel about yourself."

"I don't want to be alone."

"You won't be alone forever."

She didn't want to contradict him on that. She felt light as a feather in her head and a heavy heart in her chest that made her cry. She didn't know what she was going to do, but she knew that for the two men she had in her life she had lost all chances with.

But maybe like Kingsley said, she would be single for a while and try to figure out something.

Many thanks for those who stuck with me this whole time. I really appreciate you guys reading my story. Part 3 will begin in September. The title will be Should Be Loved so look out for it. Many thanks again.


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